Sunday, May 29, 2011

Kaden - 2 years old

I have been pondering a lot lately. Pondering about Kaden.  Pondering about how I could be so so so so much better. Next Sunday will be Kaden's 2nd Birthday.  I know I am in a better place with some of my grieving.  It is definitely different than it was in the beginning but now it is still quite difficult to describe.  How do I spend my son's birthday with out giving him birthday cake and birthday kisses and even birthday spanks?  I think one reason I am having such a difficult time is Karter is here.  I see the JOY I continue to miss every day with Kaden.  As I am typing this Karter is in the background having full LOUD conversations with himself.  I can't help but smile.  I wish I was better with words.  Better at describing this pain.  I don't know if it is my lack of adequate words or that the pain just can't be put in words.  I am still debating what I want to do  next weekend.  I go back and forth between wanting to have a swim party and BBQ and talk about how sweet Kaden was and how much we adore and miss him OR if I just want to crawl up in my closet and lock the door and just cry that he is not here.  OH HOW I MISS him.  I have constant reminders around me that tell me "HE IS NOT HERE." and it hurts ever so ever so badly.  This is going to be a constant mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual trial for us.

This picture reminds me so much of him and how I remember him- and how much Karter resembles him.

Rusty and I have grown together in many ways from this trial.  He has learned a sense of compassion on me that I don't think most men will ever have.  I have learned to help let him get emotional which is hard for him.....sounds odd but I understand not even wanting to get emotional because the pain is so hard and so real.  We are doing well....learning every single day in this thing we call our life.  So this next Sunday....if nothing else will you pray I feel Kaden's presence near?  Last year I was blessed with a couple tender mercies I will never forget! :)


  1. I will pray for you.
    Ella would have been five months old today. Sometimes when I'm doing good, I feel guilty. I feel like I shouldn't be happy. Feeling sad is like my only connection to her. I hate that we have to live this trial our entire lives. Does it ever stop hurting?
    Probably only on the day we're reunited with our little ones.

  2. Many thoughts and prayers to you this weekend!! :)