Saturday, December 26, 2009

Our Christmas this year....

Grandma and Grandpa
My two sisters and one of my brothers came with us. As we stood around his grave I started to cry and I asked them to share memories of Kaden. They made me laugh and gave me lots of hugs yesterday.

This was the Hardest part of the day...realizing Kaden wasn't here to celebrate and be loved on. Here is our usual picture.

My Grandma Sharpy added that Red Stocking with the Angel and the wood toy.

As always Rusty and I spent Christmas Eve with his family. We went to his brother Jim's house. We played our game, we ate dinner, we exchanged gifts, and we enjoyed each others company. I missed my little Kaden's company. As I looked at pictures of him that day...I could feel him really strong. I felt his sweet spirit and I know he was with us in spirit. I wish I could of dressed him up all cute for his first family gathering with the Fife Family...I pictured Christmas very different.

We then went over to my mother in laws house...they opened a few gifts and we chated. Mark and Annie came over with a gift for Rusty and I from Rusty's cousins...probably one of the most thoughtful gifts...although I have been a recipient of many lately. They put together a book with pictures of Kaden and my blog entries from the time e decided on his name. I almost lost it...but I held in my emotions with all the attention and excitement of such a gift. I am so grateful for the time put into that book. It will be something I cherish and my children will grow to learn about their brother they never got to meet. We love it.

Then Rusty and I went home. It was about One in the morning when we decided to stuff each other's stockings and as I went out and was stuffing it with his stocking stuffers in the trunk of the Honda he came out with my stocking and about 3 cars down opened the Toyota trunk and stuffed my stocking. We cracked up! Then we decided to open at least one gift from each other. Rusty got me a new phone cause I had lost mine! Then we ended up opening all our gifts because I have a big kid named Rusty who was too excited to go to bed! :)

I was deffinately spoiled from him and pleasantly suprised by some gifts. He was so thoughtful! Rusty and I went to bed leaving Kaden's presents to be opened at my mom's house. I couldn't bare the thought of having to do it by ourselves. We then went to my mom and dad's in the morning. We exchanged gifts. My mom wrote a child story about Kaden called The Prince who became a King. It is going to be fun to read to our little children. I also got a nativity I really wanted that I saw.

Then we opened Kaden's gifts. I never wanted it to be this way. We still need to decide what to do with them. We talked about memories as we opened them. Then we went to the cemetary Pictures above. That was the hardest part of the day. I missed him so much yesterday but in so many ways I feel so numb. Almost still in shock that he is gone for time. It's so hard to not just visit him when I miss him. I am grateful for my knowledge. I am grateful for the thoughtful gifts and for people who ackowledged that it would be a hard Christmas this year for us.

I liked this poem:

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below.
with tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear;
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.
I cannot tell you of the splendor or the peace inside this place
Can you imagine Christmas with our Savior, Face to Face?

I will ask him to light your spirit as I tell him of your love.
So them pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
Afer all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessings or love he has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

How to HeLp....

This picture makes me sad. It also makes me happy that I put my Christmas tree up really early this year. Thos presents are still under our tree. They are Kaden's. Two are books. One is 3 month shirts. And the last one is toys from baby einstein. We will still open them. What we will do with them I am not sure...maybe keep them for our next baby? I don't know. We never got a Christmas with our sweet Kaden. For that it makes me soo sad.

This past Sunday in church I lost it and went to the bathroom that no one goes to to cry. There was a baby blessing. A little girl whose mom and I were pregnant at the same time due only days apart. She had her baby on my due date. The "what if's" and "if onlys" started pilling in my head. I know I shouldn't do that...but it happens. The mom obviously knew I would probably have a hard time and came up to me, gave me a hug, and told me she loved me. thoughtful. very thoughtful.

Constantly, people tell me they don't know what to say to me. They try to avoid bringing their kids around me thinking that I am going to do who knows what? The avoid me like I have the plague! I have found a girls blog who I am stealing this from. Her name is Bethany. She also lost her son. Hope this helps you to know how to deal with a person who is grieving the loss of a loved one.
1. First and formost, TALK about the loved one who's passed. Even if its uncomfortable at first, it will become easier.
2. If you didn't know the person who has passed, or know them very well, ask to hear about them and learn of them trough stories.
3. Don't ever put a time line on someone's grief. Grieving never stops, it just changes. Don't be suprised when they still express grief one year later, five, ten years later...etc.
4. Cliche statements such as, "They are in a better place" really aren't comforting to the person grieving. It only belittles their natural and normal emotions. This also goes for "At least they aren't in pain anymore" "Heavenly Father needed him/her" "His/her mission was over" "At least now you don't have to worry about them anymore" Pretty much if it begins with "At Least.." or "But..." just don't say it.
5. If you don't know what to say, just say, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this."
13. Most bereaved people will not offer information on how they are "really" doing unless they feel safe in exposing their true thoughts, and like you truly want to understand. Make time to ask "How are you doing?" when you are in an appropriate place that offers some privacy and you have time to sit down and "truly" listen. (not appropriate places include the grocery store, or the hallway at church!)
These were just some but I thought they were words taken from my brain....
Hope all of you have a Merry Christmas!

random happenings....

So you may do you fill your days now? Like this....
I had some of the neices and nephews over to decorate sugar cookies. We watched the movie Elf....Rusty was more excited to decorate the cookies than the kids were I think

I made 20 dozen just like this and sold them to Dr. Davis for his refering Dentist offices. I made some good money for our California Adventures trip after Christmas!!

So now that my days are feeling empty with out taking care of my sweet boy Kaden or visiting the hospital I have been trying to keep somewhat busy. I go back to work full time in January for which I am excited to work with those fun girls but not excited for the fact that I wanted to be only part time and take care of my sweet Kaden...he was what filled my days with so much Joy and for anyone who thinks a stay at home mom is not the best way to fill their time...think again!! :)

Thursday, December 17, 2009

First Day at the Cemetary after the Funeral

The little Penguin says " KADEN A. FIFE we love you!" Love Mom and Dad
So...I wanted to go to the cemetary sooner but the week after Kaden's funeral was filled with lots of friends and family getting together. It was very pleasant.
I will be working on a letter to send out. I have many people to thank for their time, support, love, service, and generosity during this time in our families lives. Words aren't enough to express our gratitude. THANK YOU!

Today, I recieved a haircut from Tara. I really do like my haircut. Tara had lost her cap and so she made a whole in a white trash bag for my head and i put my arms threw the sides making wholes. Tara cracks me up and she say's "Man that gives new meaning to WHITE TRASH!!!" I thought she was hillarious. Always good to see her!
After my mom and I recieved Haircuts which by the way you will have to check my mom's out! It is supppper cute! I had my mom come with me to Kaden's Cemetary. I was kind of nervous for some reason I don't know why....Maybe nervous I was going to loose it...seeing where my baby was barried...?! I miss him. I miss him more than I can even comprehend. So when we had got there they had just finished mowing the grass and had gotten rid of his flowers from the funeral that were still there when Rusty visited on Monday. So I said Mom...Kaden needs something to represent that he is here...he just needs we drove over to Albertsons across the street...found something suitable and drove back to put it on
his grave sight.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

video of Kaden...

I found a ton of video clips of Kaden I didn't know I had...they are all a little under 1 minute but I will treasure them forever~ Missing him like crazy...he never leaves my mind. I LONG to hold him, feed him, kiss him and pinch his cute cheecks, change his diaper, give him a bath, change his clothes, and much much much more....
This one is for you Kimberly.

Ps. I lost my Black LG verizon phone on this past Saturday night. I thought I left it at Texas Roadhouse but they have no sign of it. So please call me or text me your name so I can program you into my phone again.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

A Letter to Heaven

Our dear sweet Kaden,

Oh how we miss you...words can't express.
The day I found out I was pregnant with you I was so excited. I was debating should I call your dad? or should I wait and suprise him? I decided to call him. I remember exactly where I was. I was standing in our old apartment when I called and said "Guess what hunny!? I am Pregnant!!" We were both just so excited. We then couldn't stand ourselves and so we had to call our parents. I faintly remember saying..."so let's keep this to ourselves for a while." I previously had a miscarriage and didn't want the akward possibility of having to explain why I was not pregnant. But NO Grandpa Addington took it upon himself to tell EVERYONE! He even called Grandma's friends to tell them! She was so mad because she didn't get to tell anyone for herself. Needless to say, everyone was very excited. My brothers kept telling me it would be a boy. Rachel was convinced you were a girl and was actually very upset when she found out you were going to be a boy! But she feel in love with you just the same. Everyone who meet you feel in love with you.
So, as my pregnancy went on I was having your regular morning sickness, nausia, and tiredness. I asked your dad to give me a blessing one Sunday because I needed comfort. I was terrified of loosing yet another baby. He gave me a blessing to have Faith. I wanted to hear everything was going to be ok but Heavenly Father had something else in store for us. As we prayed and had faith we were blessed. I will never forget the day I was at work and had to leave early. I thought for sure I was loosing you. Your dad meet us at the hospital and was there to wait for the news good or bad...we would still try to have faith. So, the news came....I had what was called a Subchrionic Hemmorage. The Dr's said sometimes this goes away by the 18ish week of pregnancy and sometimes it results in misscarriage, still born, or early pregnancy.
Well, nonetheless, after many ER visits and being told what I was experiencing was contractions I was put on bedrest just for precautionary measures. Then the wait began. Would our little guy grow? would I have him early? would I misscarry? what would happen? I had many high risk testing...we discovered a cleft lip, and that the subchrionic hematoba would grow and decrease in size by the day...which would not allow good blood flow to get to you
which helps you grow.
The day we found out you were going to be a boy; I have to admit I was a bit suprised. I thought you were a girl for sure. But, we were excited. Your Dad was so excited! He couldn't hardly wait to play with you! I continued to have ultrasounds what felt like daily. All the doctors would say if he makes it he will be a miracle. That's what we prayed for. A Miracle.
We got a Miracle.
I thought we need a name! I sat in my mom's recliner looking for names...everyone I liked your Dad turned down. He made fun of everything. Then I called him...he was in California at Matt's Wedding....and I told him what about "KADEN!?" and he said "ooh I LOVE it! I don't want to hear another name...that is it!!" I was so excited because I loved this name too! I looked up the meaning and it meant "fighter." I thought boy is this perfect...He sure is fighting to get here. Little did I know that you would have to fight so hard once you got here.
Then your mommy was admitted to the hospital with contractions every 5-8 minutes...They put me on Magnesium Sulfate to help slow the contractions. I was 22 wks along with you and kept contracting. It was inevitable that I was going to deliver. I wanted to be transfered to Banner Desert where they can handle babies that small but it was this big ordeal. They would tell me you had no chance of making it before 24 wks and there was no point but for precautionary reasons and just my gut feeling I pretty much demanded to be transfered. I knew I would recieve better care from Specialists for me and for you at Desert.
Your Dad and Grandma would spend the night with me every night in the hospital because I didn't like to be alone. Then on June 4, 2009 (24 wks and 1 day) I thought well I could be here a long time and I thought that would be selfish to expect them to stay here every night. Little did I know that I would break threw the Magnesium and go into full Labor. They brought me down to Labor and Delivery. I was scared and nervous...would you be ok? It was a relief knowing I was 24 wks but still the chances were extremely thin of you making it.
June 5, 2009-A day that will NEVER be forgotten. Your BIRTHDAY!! The nurses called your dad when my water broke and he still got ready for work thinking it was another false alarm. He is a goofball. Then when I told him I for sure would be deliverying today he immediately got nervous but excited to meet you. He said to me "I know it is better for Kaden to be in you but it is kind of like Christmas morning because I get to meet him today!" Then at shift change for the nurses which happened to be 2:17pm you decided to come. You were immediately taken from me and your dad got to trim your cord which was barely hanging on to the placenta. There also happened to be an infection on the fetal side of the placenta, and it had abrupted 50% which was never caught on an abruption panel. Nurses cried and my doctor was amazed that you were alive. "A Miracle" they said. Two NICU doctors were in the room ready for you. They happened to be wondering the halls of Labor and Delivery. They intubated you and let me see you for about 2 seconds. You were covered in blankets so I could really only see your hand. I kissed it. Off you went with Heather (the high risk nurse who would become one of your primary nurses), Dr. Nigum, Dr. Watterkotie, an RT and Dad. They escorted you to the NICU while I waited in my room. I waited till I was able to move. Your Dad came back to let me know how much you weighed. You were 1 pound and 14 ounces and 13 inches long. Come to find out later as Kimberly (the nurse who admitted you to the NICU who would later become a primary nurse.) told me that when she was admitting you that she saw out of the corner of her eye your dad in the corner smiling from ear to ear. She just laughed and thought he must be a first time dad...she said most dads come into the NICU with a look of sheer terror on their face. Not your Dad. Then my nurse took me up to meet you.
We feel in love with you the second he saw you! Your Dad used to tease me saying are you sure he is mine and not some black guy's baby? Your coloring was so different than a "term baby" Your skin was fragile and then suseptable to any infection.
Your small body was the size of your dad's hand. So small and clinging to life. You were covered with about 4 different blue lights because you had such bad Jaundice. That eventually passed. When you were 10 days old they decided to switch you to the Jet Ventilator because you got really sick. Mom and Dad were really worried about you. Mom was really bummed because I couldn't hold you at first because of all the lights and now I couldn't hold you because you were switched to the Jet. The nurses were really sweet though they lowered the your incubator as low as it could go and allowed me to sit in a high chair to sing to you and talk to you. You loved it. I sang "I am a Child of God." over and over to you. You loved that song. The nurses were so impressed because all your "numbers" looked better than they had for a long time. They called this "Kind of Kangarooing."
You were on the Jet Ventilator about 20 days. They gave you some steriods so you could be "weaned" off of the Jet. Then, they wanted to get you stable on the Conventional to allow me to hold you. I came in one day and Heather was soooo excited! She said today is the day! You were 33 days old when I first got to hold you! I finally felt your tiny little body against mine. It was the most amazing day by far. I laughed, cried the whole bit! Your Dad happened to be there because he was going to meet me for lunch that day. That weekend your dad held you. Your Dad looved to hold you but would get ants in his pants or would fall asleep. The nurses would always catch him falling asleep and they would tease him.
As the days and weeks went on you made progress. Many people would visit you. Grandma's and Grandpa's, Aunts and Uncles, Cousins, and Friends. Fighting infection after infection, having good and bad days, trying to grow, blood pressure issues, IV's, Picc line, PDA ligation, ROP surgery, pulling out your tube on your own and ventilator changes! That is the exciting part...
Kimberly got to extubate you! She was super excited but super nervous...we all wondered how you would do. We left the ventilator in your bedside for 24 hrs. just in case you tried to be a stinker. You were retracting really bad but they wanted you to fight threw it because at this point you were about 2 months old. You hated and I mean HATED the CPAP machine. You would absolutely love when we would take it off and put blow by oxygen next to you so you could relax. I would rub your head and your Sats would shoot through the roof! We gave to a sponge bath one day and put you in your first outfit that Grandma Fife gave you. It was soo cute on you. Technically they didn't want clothes on you yet but we just couldn't resist!
There was one day that Dr O'Neil was coming to check your eyes and you didn't like him too much as soon as he started talking you dropped your Heart Rate. So at another visit Heather and I decided to give you Sucrose (basically sugar water) and you took the syringe out of Heathers hand and started sucking on it.
He was on CPAP for a couple weeks and then they switched you to just oxygen. You did really well for about 3 days on the wall and then you pooped out and needed more help. So they put you on High Flow Oxygen. You got the worst bugers on that and when they would go suck out the bugers with the suction you would fight them and squirm. Your nurses would always say you were such a little fighter. Heather would always tell you she was Kimberly! Kimberly didn't like that too much and used to say you weren't going to trust Heather anymore because she lied!
They eventually were able to wean you. You didn't move from your bed spot from the day you were born until you were 103 days old. You were in B27 the whole time. An uncommon thing around the NICU but because your Doctors were so protective of you they wouldn't let anyone move you. Your Doctors fell in love with you. Dr. Nigum and Dr. Hamburg would fight over who got to round on you. They just loved you.
Kimberly took you over to the Continuing Care Nursery known as CCN. This was a bitter sweet day because the primary nurses: Heather, Kimberly, Jaime, Mary, Aimee, and Karly that so lovingly took care of you for 103 days in the NICU would not be able to take care of you everytime they worked like before. There were days few and far between once you were switched that we got our primary nurses. It was bitter sweet moving over there because we would miss your nurses but this also meant you were getting better and getting close to going home.
Once you were in CCN you had a couple obstacles to overcome or hurdles to jump. You were having a hard time taking your whole feeding from a bottle in your aloted 30 minutes. You also needed Double Hernia Surgery. And your Oxygen...they needed to wean you to a point low enough to come home on. You did fairly well being weaned. You had your Hernia Surgery. But, you didn't do so well taking your bottle. So Mom and Dad decided in order to take you home we would need to learn to put your NG tube in or in other words your feeding tube. You HATED it! You would thrash you head around and move your arms and feet all at the same time. Our fisty little guy! Then everything was being put together and organized for your discharge.
What a bitter sweet day that was. I began to love your nurses and doctors and would miss them very much. They not only became my best friends but they were adopted into our extended family. They are truely what helped me through the hard days and enjoyed the good days almost as much as me!
It was time...Time to take you home. We gathered everything up equipment and all and Heather was able to carry you around to say goodbye and flirt with all the nurses one last time. They would all say "FIFE?! Fife is leaving!!??" We were so happy. We brought you HOME!!!
A day I didn't know if it would ever happen. The day we brought you home your Aunts Rachel and Becka and your Grandma Addington were all there to welcome you!
You and I made lots of memories at home. We had lots of special moments and tender mercies. We didn't ever leave the house except to go to Grandma's and the Doctor's. There was one time we took you to Aunt Meggen's and to Aunt Lari's but we didn't let the kids come near you unless hands were washed and they were instructed not to touch you. You were too vonerable to getting sick. Your mommy and daddy wanted to do anything they could to keep you from getting sick. Some memories I have: I will never forget the first time we put you in your swing. Your dad and I laughed for about an hour because we couldn't see you with the tray in front of you. You just hid in there. You LOVED your swing and would just contently look around or fall asleep. You would always love when we would hold you on our chest and pat your bum. You would fall asleep on daddy's chest as he would watch tv. I'll never forget the one time you took your whole feeding from the bottle. I was so excited I Jumped up and Down....Your dad would tease you and say "Kaden so what your telling us is your capable of doing it but you just don't want to!?" We knew you would really get tired but your dad is a tease! You loved to lay on your always got so comfortable and would end up falling asleep. Whenever I would need to take you to the doctor I would have to get ready with all your equipment about 45 minutes before we would need to pack you up in the car because it never failed...everytime I would put you in your carseat you would start to cry and have a major pooping attack out of no where! It literally NEVER failed! The way your cleft would curl out when you would cry or smile. Your cry was such a soft and sweet raspy cry unless I really made you mad. You would get so made at me when I would change the tape on your face, change the NG tube or your Oxygen Canula. When your dad would Kiss you you used to bat him with your hands because of his wiskers. Your dad couldn't ever get enough kisses from you. Speaking of kisses when you were hungry you used to suck on our nose or even our bottom lip. It would crack me up! I thought it was adorable. You would also eat your hands and at one point in the hospital the second time you weren't allowed to eat and you just sucked on your hands and they became pruny. You had a couple spend the nights with Grandma Addington and the first night we left you alone with them we left with everyone gathered around you staring at you and about 10 minutes later we came back for something and they were all sitting there staring at you. We laughed pretty hard. Everyone wanted to be around you. Grandma Helen and Grandpa Larry would come visit you when they could. Your Aunts would come visit you too...especially Aunt Lari...she LOVED being around you! Her little girl is Olivia...which I am sure you two have meet by now. You had the most curious eyes. You would wrinkle your brow and just look around. Your Dad and I would love to come look at you in the morning and evening was your favorite time. You would just be so content staring around the room. One night, your dad thought you looked so cute in your crib he decided to climb in it. He called me in from the other bedroom to come see him. I cracked up and was in amazement that our crib was still standing. There was one morning I sat you on my lap and talked to you. You looked straight at me and smiled about 10 times. I actually got a picture of one of your smiles. I was soooo excited!! I called your dad and grandmas! I sent a picture to everyone!! That was a very special was like you said "I LOVE YOU MOM!!" There is one thing that you LOVED to do and that was a bath!! You LOVED your baths....We would give you a bath in a tuperware container and torwards the end you took them in the big boy bath I had for you. You would just relax. It was your spa time!! I loved to get you dressed. You had such you clothes! Your legs were too short for any of your pants though. It cracked me up! My favorite face you used to make was what we called your "Choir Boy" face. It was soo cute! There was one morning at 5 am that I was sitting in the chair trying to feed you and you were just too happy and social that you wanted to stare at me and smile. You had two nurses come visit you while you were at home. Heather and Kimberly.
They couldn't get enough of you!
We started to get concerned with you requiring more oxygen at home so we took you to the Cardiologist and Pulmonologist and they admitted you to Cardon Children's Hospital. You had Severe Pulmonary Hypertension. Your sweet little body had been fighting so long it started to get weak. You got better and then got much worse. They sent you to St. Joe's. We were hopeful but very concerned. They couldn't find any source of infection. The Doctors were very frank with us. They said "we can be hopeful but most likely he won't make it."
Sunday was a rough day for you and us as your parents. We didn't like to see you soo sick. We didn't think we would end up back in hospital like this. We ended up staying the night in the hospital waiting room. Grandma Fife, Grandma Addington, and your dad and I stayed the night. We were concerned that you were going to crash. We woke up to someone saying we need to speak with you Dad and the Dr. wants to talk to you. The Dr's were very frank with us again. They said you wouldn't make it through the morning. They asked us what we wanted to do-keep you vented or take it out. Out of the love we have for you as your parents we felt like we shouldn't make you live like you were. We had family come down and love on you and give you lots of Kisses. Then your dad and I gave you a bath and then they took everything off of you so I could rock you. You passed peacefully in my arms. A moment I will never forget. You were too perfect and Our Loving Heavenly Father had different things in store for you.
"The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escap the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again."
That quote gives me so much peace. I miss you and wish you were here with me...I mourn for myself and your family that we only got a short time here on earth with you but I will cherish those memories forever. We know we will see you again.
We love you.
Love, Your Parents

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Kaden's Services

Kaden Addington Fife

The viewing will be held Friday, December 4th 2009
Bunker Family University Chapel
3529 East University Drive
Mesa, AZ 85213

It will be held in the evening from 5-8pm

The Funeral Services will be held Saturday, December 5th 2009
The LDS Church Building
1155 East Ray Road
Gilbert AZ 85296

It will be held in the morning at 10am