Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Our Christmas Card (kind of...)


We will forever list Kaden as apart of our family...because he is of course part of us and continues to be although he is not exactly in our home.  And as far as Karter goes...we are thinking this will for sure be his name but may change our minds when he gets here....but so far I like it!  We hope all of you find yourselves enjoying your holiday season! Thanks for the love and support shown from all of you this year as we found ourselves surviving and coping yet living life without our sweet son Kaden. 

Love to all!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

November 30, 2010

November 30, 2010- 1 year anniversary
I can hardly believe it has been a year since I held my sweet boy in my arms.  I literally watched his spirit leave his body.  I am left with much grief and much sorrow.  Words don't do it justice but I am left with a grateful heart for the memories I have and for those who still remember and honor my son.
This was a very touching and sweet experience.  It's been a year and yet people still remember and show their love for our son and as his mother it brought me much peace and comfort this day.

Rusty and I were able to place the tile that was made in honor of Kaden.  It is on the wall in Banner Deseret Medical Center NICU (now know as Cardon's).  We graciously recieved such an honor.  Not every child has a tile and in fact a lot of the tiles are done by families.  Kaden's tile was donated from his Neonatologist group and nurses who loved him.  They still remember and love him. What a gift!









Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Missing Him

How can a mother live without her child for the rest of her life???
It's almost been
1 year...
I am doing it a day, moment, hour, and second at a time.
I miss him with everything I have.


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Admist sorrow I am grateful.

I am not sure if this time of year is easy or hard to miss and remember our son.
I know it is hard.
I know that being almost forced to look at how much I have to be grateful for does ease a little of my pain.
This month leaves me completely drained.
A. I am pregnant
B. I miss Kaden more than words
C. I can find so much to be grateful for

As I look back at what has almost been a year without our son in my arms I can't believe we have survived.  We have done it! I say that with a huge whole in my heart and yet with suprise that I am strong enough and have enough faith to go through a trial and yet a blessing of having a child and only being blessed with a short time with him on this earth.  I can do hard things.  I am grateful for that.  Yet as that day November 30th comes closer my heart aches more for him.  I have been inspired by many people in this blogging world to list some things I am grateful for.

First and foremost my family.  All of them! Especially my adorable, fun loving, kind, hardworking, handsome husband!!! And of course my children...Kaden and my soon to be little Karter.  They all have had a huge role in my life.  They are helping me to become the person my Heavenly Father knows I can become!!

I am also grateful for my testimony.  I know the Gospel is true. I know it with all my heart! I am grateful for my Savior.  He knows my griefs and has carried my sorrows and continues to plead for me on my behalf.

I am grateful for friends.  Friends who love me for me.  They accept my faults and even love me for them.  They have been there for me in my good times and my extremely hard times.

I am grateful for those who lift me in my trials as they have experienced their own.

I am grateful for this season of gratitude to reflect on the most important things in this life. 

Friday, November 5, 2010

Update



28 weeks!!!

I have not been good posting lately.  Here is what has been going on in my world.  I am feeling really good.  I feel so good that I have made it this far!! I feel better each week that goes by.  I feel Mr. Karter moving like a crazy boy in me.  I love watching my stomach dance.  He moves so much sometimes it makes my tummy jiggle!!  Aside from everyone talking about how huge I am I love this!!  I took the glucose test and I have to take the 3 hour test but hopefully I'll pass it.  

We are hoping to move in our new house next week.  We are excited about it.  

This time of year brings me lots of happy memories and yet it is so bitter sweet.  Kaden spent last year in our home.  I was playing part in his care.  I LOVED every single second of it.  Never once complained about the difficulties of serving him.  He was such a happy content baby.  He hated only a few things: changing his NG tube, oxygen tubing and going poop! I love him and miss him dearly.  I can't believe it has almost been a year since we last held him in our arms.  It hurts to the core and yet allows me to know I can do hard things although I'd rather not...



Friday, October 15, 2010

25 weeks!!!!!

This is a HUGE milestone for me!! HUGE

I had a doctor appointment today and an ultrasound.  What a crazy feeling to have an ultrasound of my baby at 25 weeks.  That was a first for me!  Everything went smooth with the fetal heart echo. 

Here is a picture of me in my bedroom at Grandma's!

25 WEEKS

Friday, September 24, 2010

20 weeks and Moving


This is 2 weeks ago.  I decided I needed to capture what I looked like.
This was the day before we had to be out of our apartment.
Not going to lie.
I cried.
and
did not want to shut that door
for the
last time.

It was hard leaving that apartment.
SO many Happy memories were made there.
We are temporarily in my Grandma's House while we wait to close on our house.


On a side note...I am 22 weeks now and yesterday September 23rd (Kaden's Due Date) believe it or not...Rusty felt our little boy kick for the first time!! He was so so so excited especially since he never had that opportunity with Kaden.  Well, we are doing good in the Fife family I'll post pics of the house soon!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Another....

BOY!!!

We found out today that I am having another boy.  Kaden's little brother is on his way.  Things are looking ok at the moment.  Looks like this baby will have a cleft lip possibly.  They couldn't confirm it because of his position he was being a little pill and not moving to the right position but I go back on September 17th to take another close look.  I will be 21 weeks so we should be able to see closer what everything looks like.  I would be lying if I said finding all this out didn't make me break down and miss my little Kaden.  I never want anyone to forget I had him.  I called Rusty crying and he said Jacquie your love for Kaden will always be different than the love you will have for your other children.  You will love them just as much but it will be different.  I have such a good hubby!! We are overall EXCITED and now we gotta start figuring out a name!! :)

Friday, August 13, 2010

The Fear of Forgetting

Esentially, this is the main cause of my grief right now.  I am in a good place mostly.  I feel I have come a long way from the first initial months of shock and disbelief.  I am growing with my grief.  I went to the movie Charlie St. Cloud with two girlfriends.  I had no idea what it was about but I knew that I was going with girlfriends I love and I also knew it was a "chick flick" that I would enjoy. 

Charlie St. Cloud losses his brother in a car accident.  Previous to the accident; Charlie and his brother made a promise to each other to meet in the same place every day at the same time to practice baseball. Well, after the brother passed away this would still happen and it would be their only encounter.  Charlie was terrified of not showing up every day in fear that his brother would feel he was forgetting him. 

That cut me to the core.  I could never let that happen to my little Kaden.  I would never want him to feel that I or his Dad was forgetting about him.  I know it will not happen but I feel like there are tools that I can use to help bring me rememberence of him.

Last night, I went to enrichment.  It was neat and much needed.  Our theme was back to school and so we had a seminary class, math class(time management), and homec class(meal planning).  The teacher who taught the seminary class was inspired (all were) but I felt a strong spirit in her class almost saying "you needed to be here and you needed to here this." 

She spoke of her grandmother that she loved dearly.  How they were close friends and how she was the first person who died that was really close to her.  She spoke of her grief and spoke of the fear of forgetting.  She then listed on the board what she said she could physically do to remember her.

Here was her list:
1. think
2. visual
3. visit
4. read
5. write

Then she related this to the Savior.  I was touched.  We are not only seperated from our son Kaden we are seperated from our Heavenly Parents as he is seperated from us.  So we too feel that pain in a way that Kaden feels for us.  We are also seperated from our brother-Jesus Christ.  I asked myself why does being seperated from Kaden seem more difficult to bear?  Should it be? Should I feel guilty for that?  NO....for humans it is hard to remember people we are physically with who pass on sometimes so it is more challanging to remember fully what it was like to be with our Savior when we can only remember spiritually...I could be wrong but I think as we develop more of a relationship with our Savior we will feel the bitterness with the sweet.  How can I keep a relationship with someone I don't remember physically being with only spiritually....esentially the same way! 

Here is how:
1. think
2. visual
3. visit
4. read
5. write

I think about how neat this is.  How often do we think about the Savior?  How many visual reminders do we have in our homes of him or how often do we attend the temple to help visual remember him?  How often do we visit places that help us remember?  How often do we read of him?  and how often do we write about him?  I know I could do better...could you?

"I am grateful God allows trials and tragedies to occor in our lives---
not because they are easy or because they're desired,
but because they help us LOVE."
This video will change the way you think about your life.
Please watch it.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

My Dream.

video
This is Kaden's Last Video.  He was a starven marven in the hospital...but this is one thing I remember him doing the most.  I would wake up to him doing this in his bed...rarely crying for food, just trying to please himself by eating his own hands.

This pregnancy has given me some of the most random, crazy, wonderful, wierd, awesome dreams.  They are almost as if it is real life.

I dreamt last night.  Kaden.  He never left us.  He was turning one years old and he was actually at his birthday party.  We had it at a park and I did nothing but chase him around! He was starting to learn to walk.  I can't remember exactly what he looked like.  But...his cleft was fixed, no oxygen, no feeding tube, and FULL of life.  He had chubby cheeks and those AMAZING eyes of his!!! He was FULL OF LIFE!! It was adorable to see him and so wonderful to be his mother who he needed. 

My friend Heidi Bishop was there with her little bugger Austin. We had a joint birthday party because we only thought it was appropriate since they were like basically twins born a day apart and to seperate families.  They had fun together as I always knew they would.  I remember taking a picture....the picture was with me, Kaden, Heidi, and Austin.  A picture I wish I had....but someday I will.

I love when I have dreams of Kaden.  I woke up and didn't really remember that I had one until I was going through Kaden's Closet (cleaning it out and packing it...cause we are moving!!) and it dawned on me- "YOU HAD A DREAM OF KADEN!!! :)"  I told Rusty all about it and I just told him mostly I can just remember his eyes....they were magical!

Friday, July 16, 2010

Halfway....

Today, I am twelve weeks pregnant!  The point where a lot of people start telling everyone they are pregnant.  I told much earlier...in fact the week I found out! But...that is besides the point.  I have been thinking alot about Mr. Kaden today.  He has been on my mind alot.  I can't begin to express how much I miss him.  A part of me is missing...and then it occured to me today....I am twelve weeks.  With Kaden that would have meant I am HALFWAY.  That thought is insane. 

Although, I am already showing MUCH MUCH quicker this time {I think the 10lbs I could have lost but didn't can be somewhat to account for that} and although I am hotter than heck: I WOULD NOT CHANGE IT FOR THE WORLD!! nor....would I dare want to say I am SO done....like many pregnant women constantly say! 

I am grateful to be pregnant.  I have had some complications already but I am doing alright at the moment.  I go back to see my doctor in a week to have a checkup and an ultrasound.  I MIGHT might find out the sex of the baby {I found out with Kaden at 13 weeks too!}  Rusty is convinced it is a girl and I mean convinced.  He has not spoke one word about it being a boy or even boy names.  Rusty was right last time so I trust him! :)  I am not really sure what I think....I guess I don't think it will be a boy but then again....I thought that with Kaden.  The main consences is GIRL....so what do YOU think!!!???

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I feel so creative!!

So my this is my new blog!!
I am getting used to navigating it with the sidebar on the left instead of right. 

I am also trying to figure out how I like not having pictures at the header.

Tell me what ya think!!?

Monday, July 12, 2010

3 YEARS!


Happy Anniversary!!
I never could have imagined the joy and sorrow we would have already felt together by this point.
We truly are best friends and I am so grateful for our marriage.
It is far from perfect but we are trying.










Friday, July 9, 2010

Smile Train

I recieved this letter via email:

Hi,

Last week, on June 30th, the last day of our fiscal year, we finished our most successful year ever.
Over the past 12 months, we have helped more children in more countries, trained more doctors in more ways, acquired more donations and more new donors, than any other year.

While most charities in America are laying off and cutting back, Smile Train is speeding up.
Sometimes, we are moving so fast, and trying to do so much, that we forget to thank the people who are helping to make all of this possible.

So at least once a year, at the end of the year, I always try to take the time to stop, and send a special thank you to the folks who make the Smile Train possible.

People like you.

I want you to know that you are a very, very important part of our program, and although we never thank you as much as we should, we truly do appreciate your help and your support.

We never take it for granted – and we never forget that we could do nothing without it.

I promise you that.

On behalf of all 24 employees working hard here at our New York headquarters and our other 19 employees in China, India, Vietnam, Mexico, Indonesia, Bangladesh, Thailand, Philippines, Russia and Kenya,

thank you for helping us help these kids!

All the best,

Brian
Smile Train


A big thank you to those of you who donated or bought things from Spitz and Splatters to help donate to Kaden's Memorial Fund at Smile Train.

It makes me smile everytime I get a letter with progress and pictures. 
We make it possible in a small but very large way!

CHECK OUT SMILE TRAIN on
The DOCTORS
Wendesday July 14th

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Deshavu?

So I had a post that I deleted.  I don't want anyone to think I am over here trying to be dramatic or crazy!  I am just needing to get it out.  Many of you probably remember my complications with Kaden's pregnancy right? well as a refresher this is what happened.  I was diagnosed with a SCH subchorionic hemorage.  Basically it where bleeding collects in the gestational sac.  It happens in about 1% of pregnancies and has not been determined why.  Dr's say there is no evidence that it occurs because of anything a mother does.  It just happens!  Well, with Kaden it started in my first trimester and lasted into my second trimester.  Eventually, causing my placenta to weaken away....causing it inevitable to go into labor along with a placenta fetal side infection.  It was kind of a tumbling effect if you will.

Well, on Thursday evening I was out to dinner with some friends and had that feeling like "it is happening again."  I immediately went to the restroom, left dinner, called emergency triage and had Rusty and our friend give me a blessing.  Of course my mind is uneasy but I am so exhausted I try to just follow the nurses instruction. Check every hour and try to get some sleep, if the bleeding worsens go to the ER.  Well, fortunately I didn't need to go to the ER.  I called the Dr. in the morning and they got me in at 9:15am. 

Rusty came with me as support.  We figured either we lost the baby or it was the same thing with Kaden's pregnancy which is 1% of pregnancies remember!?  How this could happen again is mind boggling.  I have been so mixed emotions.  I am trying to focus on the positive but it is hard to think what complication caused all of the heartache of loosing our son is so overwhelming.

I am trying to keep positive in knowing there is also positive outcomes as well.  It is not guareented that what happened with Kaden will happen again.  But....will you please keep us in your prayers?

I can't say I am not asking why this has to happen to us again? and why the same complication to give us extra scare?  I can't say I am not a bit angry....but I am trying to have a positive outlook.  I can promise you all that I do know I am in the Lord's hands and that he does love us.  I also know I have a sweet son on my side in Heaven.  I can just picture him pleading my cause and being my advocate!  I also know that the Lord only sends trials our way to refine us and make us better so some day we can be good enough to endure his glory.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Realizing...

I felt the need to think my thoughts on paperish...so here I am.  I think I am finally really realizing this is my new life.  It is me and my husband.  We have a son named Kaden.  He only spent a short time with us here on earth.  He is now living beyond the veil.  I pray and hope I can be worthy enough to spend the eternities with him.  He taught us so much while he was here.  So many times I find myself reminding myself that he lived.  It feels like a very quick real dream.  Ya know those really really vivid ones?  BUT I know it's not a dream.  I could never feel the love I feel for him if I only were to have known him in my dreams.

I have my moments still of course but I am healing a bit I think.  OH the process.....it is so confusing, sad and strange.  Kaden came and now he is gone.  He is gone.  It is our new life.  We are growing, living, and healing.  I can't say I am fully to the point of acceptance.  The stages of grief are like the wind.  They change with each passing day, hour, minute and second.  I long to be with him but without him I must be.  At least for now.  I often think of that joyous reunion we will have one day.  It brings tears. literally.  OH the JOY! Someday just not now.

As for how I have been feeling lately...well just mostly tired.  Working alot and sleeping alot.  I can't complain too much.  I am just grateful to be expecting another Baby Fife.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Happy Father's Day

Father's Day---2009
{can you see Kaden?}
He was still very sick at this point on the Jet Ventilator.
Rusty took his temp, changed his diaper and helped with cares.
I remember talking about eating Mexican food that night and wondering what it would do to his diaper!! :)
We were so proud to be parents and of course continue to be so but can't you read it all over our faces!?

Rusty missed our little boy on Father's Day.  He had lots of memories running through his mind.  He told me how he kind of understood now I felt about Mother's day.

Rusty is such a wonderful dad to Kaden.  He loved to snuggle Kaden and often feel asleep doing so.  He also took good care of him and was involved in his care.  I couldn't ask for a better father to my child!

Thanks babe!

Monday, June 21, 2010

June

This month I was hoping to get
LOTS
of donations in honor of
KADEN'S BIRTHDAY!

SOOO....

DON'T forget to stop by his other blog
to make a donation to
SMILE TRAIN

{it is tax deductible and you will not regret it!}

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Can a women forget?

Isaiah 49:15-16

Can a women forget her sucking child, (I can't)
that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb?
yea, they may forget yet will I not forget thee.

Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands;
they walls are continually before me.

I could NEVER and will NEVER forget.

He will NEVER EVER forget us.
for
He suffered for each and every one of us.

I love this scripture.

Now...
with Kaden being gone
it makes it so much more real
He
will
not
forget us.

I will not forget Him or him.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Only because I promised.


Happy Birthday Kaden


Rusty and I on Kaden's 1st Birthday
(not the best pic but it works.)

The oval on the right will have his picture in it soon.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Happy Birthday Kaden!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 
to our little bubba
KADEN!
one year ago today you came 
into our lives and changed us forever

Enjoy a little walk down memory lane....


{yes....those are his feet}



This is how I loved on him for the first month...


He LOVED to kangaroo!



Always happy and content!


How cute is that outfit!!?


After one of his surgeries...even though he went through SO much he was still 
such a happy happy baby!!


AND he got to come HOME!!!! :)


Do you think he liked his baths?!! 
and do you think we were excited to give him his first at home!?

We started the morning by going to the temple.  We want to try to make that a tradition on his birthday.  I  ran into the Lactation specialist from the NICU.  She works at the temple.  It was SO good to see her.  I LOVE to see people that were apart of Kaden's life! She was so sweet!  I think it was like Kaden was saying hi mom!! thanks for being a cow of a mom and giving me LOTS of milk :)

Then we went home and Rusty made Texas Sheet Cake for his party.  He LOVES to make it and is way better then me at it! We got to my mom's and went to the cemetary to visit his grave and put a balloon on it.  I'll post pictures later.  That was the hardest part of the day.  It was really hard not having him here to squeeze and celebrate with us.

We want to THANK all of the people who came to his Birthday Party and donated a toy in honor of him tonight. Pictures to come.  We felt your love for us and for our sweet son! Thank you sooo much!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Can you believe?

I can hardly believe
my son
would be
turning ONE YEAR

but...
what is harder to believe or accept
is he only spent 6 months 
with us.


I sit here and can't help but think what would he be doing? would he have oxygen still? how would his feedings be going?  how would his birthday party be with him here?  oh the list goes ON AND ON.
 I try not to think about the sad as much as the happy but then of course the happy times makes me wish and long for those happy times again.  The day Kaden was born changed me forever.  I will forever be changed with him coming into my life.  I have never felt so complete and so broken on one day in my life.  I hope that he will be with us on his birthday even if it is just his spirit.  I long to feel his warmth and love. will you pray that I do? 

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Our trip to OR/WA

Rusty had to work in Oregon this week so I meet him there after work and spent the weekend exploring parts of Oregon, and Washington.  We saw lots of waterfalls, Whidbey Island-(my mother in law grew up there) and Downtown Seatle. We had a blast but are grateful for the sunny skys in Arizona. 
It is too rainy there for me!
enjoy our pictures!

{The Goonies House-Rusty had to show me!!}

{The Column in Astoria, OR-you can climb up this!}

{On a Nature walk!}
{The Nature Walk}
{More...Nature!! BEAUTIFUL HUH!?}
{EnTeRtAiNg ourselves on our drive!}
{Pike's Market-Seatle, WA}
{This Fish place throws fish to each other well they pulled me up there and had me CATCH that fish!!}
{May 30, 2010- 6 months}
{IT RAINED FOR A WEEK!! AND THEN WE LEAVE....}