Saturday, December 26, 2009

Our Christmas this year....

Grandma and Grandpa
My two sisters and one of my brothers came with us. As we stood around his grave I started to cry and I asked them to share memories of Kaden. They made me laugh and gave me lots of hugs yesterday.

This was the Hardest part of the day...realizing Kaden wasn't here to celebrate and be loved on. Here is our usual picture.

My Grandma Sharpy added that Red Stocking with the Angel and the wood toy.

As always Rusty and I spent Christmas Eve with his family. We went to his brother Jim's house. We played our game, we ate dinner, we exchanged gifts, and we enjoyed each others company. I missed my little Kaden's company. As I looked at pictures of him that day...I could feel him really strong. I felt his sweet spirit and I know he was with us in spirit. I wish I could of dressed him up all cute for his first family gathering with the Fife Family...I pictured Christmas very different.

We then went over to my mother in laws house...they opened a few gifts and we chated. Mark and Annie came over with a gift for Rusty and I from Rusty's cousins...probably one of the most thoughtful gifts...although I have been a recipient of many lately. They put together a book with pictures of Kaden and my blog entries from the time e decided on his name. I almost lost it...but I held in my emotions with all the attention and excitement of such a gift. I am so grateful for the time put into that book. It will be something I cherish and my children will grow to learn about their brother they never got to meet. We love it.

Then Rusty and I went home. It was about One in the morning when we decided to stuff each other's stockings and as I went out and was stuffing it with his stocking stuffers in the trunk of the Honda he came out with my stocking and about 3 cars down opened the Toyota trunk and stuffed my stocking. We cracked up! Then we decided to open at least one gift from each other. Rusty got me a new phone cause I had lost mine! Then we ended up opening all our gifts because I have a big kid named Rusty who was too excited to go to bed! :)

I was deffinately spoiled from him and pleasantly suprised by some gifts. He was so thoughtful! Rusty and I went to bed leaving Kaden's presents to be opened at my mom's house. I couldn't bare the thought of having to do it by ourselves. We then went to my mom and dad's in the morning. We exchanged gifts. My mom wrote a child story about Kaden called The Prince who became a King. It is going to be fun to read to our little children. I also got a nativity I really wanted that I saw.

Then we opened Kaden's gifts. I never wanted it to be this way. We still need to decide what to do with them. We talked about memories as we opened them. Then we went to the cemetary Pictures above. That was the hardest part of the day. I missed him so much yesterday but in so many ways I feel so numb. Almost still in shock that he is gone for time. It's so hard to not just visit him when I miss him. I am grateful for my knowledge. I am grateful for the thoughtful gifts and for people who ackowledged that it would be a hard Christmas this year for us.

I liked this poem:

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below.
with tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear;
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.
I cannot tell you of the splendor or the peace inside this place
Can you imagine Christmas with our Savior, Face to Face?

I will ask him to light your spirit as I tell him of your love.
So them pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
Afer all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessings or love he has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.


  1. Jacquie and Rusty, I am feeling so sad for you that you couldn't spend Christmas spoiling the heck out of your little bundle of JOY, Kaden. I am sorry that this holiday will be so hard for you. I am looking forward to seeing the book about your sweet son. We send love from Oregon to you both!
    Uncle Bubba and Aunt Michele

  2. Every time I read your blog I cry. I am reminded of how much I miss Kaden and how blessed I am to have had him in my life and to have you guys in my life.

  3. i love you sweetie and think about you and your little family often.

  4. it's so hard to help people feel better when you know you can't give them the only thing they want. but after my dad passed away, something that i found comfort in was knowing that i inspired others to really cherish the time they still had with their dads...

    you inspire me to cherish the time i still have with my lovey. i didn't think i could love her any more than i already do, but every time i read your blog, i hold her close and cry. cry because i love her so much and because i ache for you. i can't imagine how hard it is for you. but thank you for inspiring me.

    i love you.

  5. I wish I could help you. I wish I could make the pain go away. I wish I could find Julie's camera.
    I wish he was still here for you to squeeze.
    I'm sorry.

  6. Jacquie-

    My heart is broken for you and your family. Kaden is such an amazing little boy (now an angel) --- who taught so many people how to be strong. You are an amazing mom and I am so glad that I got to know you in the NICU.

    Each day before I got to our pod I would pray that all the babies were having a good day but especially Kaden, Austin, and Kessen. Each day I now pray that Kaden is with you in spirit and that you can feel his love.

    And that you can feel all of our love. Please know that even though we didn't get to spend a lot of time together --- there is nothing that I wouldn't do for you.

    Megan Smith