Wednesday, December 23, 2009

How to HeLp....

This picture makes me sad. It also makes me happy that I put my Christmas tree up really early this year. Thos presents are still under our tree. They are Kaden's. Two are books. One is 3 month shirts. And the last one is toys from baby einstein. We will still open them. What we will do with them I am not sure...maybe keep them for our next baby? I don't know. We never got a Christmas with our sweet Kaden. For that it makes me soo sad.

This past Sunday in church I lost it and went to the bathroom that no one goes to to cry. There was a baby blessing. A little girl whose mom and I were pregnant at the same time due only days apart. She had her baby on my due date. The "what if's" and "if onlys" started pilling in my head. I know I shouldn't do that...but it happens. The mom obviously knew I would probably have a hard time and came up to me, gave me a hug, and told me she loved me. thoughtful. very thoughtful.

Constantly, people tell me they don't know what to say to me. They try to avoid bringing their kids around me thinking that I am going to do who knows what? The avoid me like I have the plague! I have found a girls blog who I am stealing this from. Her name is Bethany. She also lost her son. Hope this helps you to know how to deal with a person who is grieving the loss of a loved one.
1. First and formost, TALK about the loved one who's passed. Even if its uncomfortable at first, it will become easier.
2. If you didn't know the person who has passed, or know them very well, ask to hear about them and learn of them trough stories.
3. Don't ever put a time line on someone's grief. Grieving never stops, it just changes. Don't be suprised when they still express grief one year later, five, ten years later...etc.
4. Cliche statements such as, "They are in a better place" really aren't comforting to the person grieving. It only belittles their natural and normal emotions. This also goes for "At least they aren't in pain anymore" "Heavenly Father needed him/her" "His/her mission was over" "At least now you don't have to worry about them anymore" Pretty much if it begins with "At Least.." or "But..." just don't say it.
5. If you don't know what to say, just say, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this."
13. Most bereaved people will not offer information on how they are "really" doing unless they feel safe in exposing their true thoughts, and like you truly want to understand. Make time to ask "How are you doing?" when you are in an appropriate place that offers some privacy and you have time to sit down and "truly" listen. (not appropriate places include the grocery store, or the hallway at church!)
These were just some but I thought they were words taken from my brain....
Hope all of you have a Merry Christmas!


  1. This post is so true Jacquie! I've been through each of those statments twice and it almost makes you mad at some of the things people say. The ones that are close to me are numbers 3 and 4. It's been 10 years since my little sister died and 3 years since my brother and I still grieve and cry over them all the time. Nothing fills the void you feel.But with the pain that I feel can be nothing compared to losing my own baby. I'm praying for you!

  2. So true! I think I am probably guilty of the heavenly father needed them statement. When my dad died no one knew what to say to our family. I didn't need them to say anything just sit there and cry with me is what I needed. I needed someone to say its ok to be sad its OK to cry and to miss him. I know the plan of salvation and I know I will see him again. But sometimes I just want to cry and talk about sweet stories of my dad. So if you want someone to cry with you can call me! I think about you constantly and I hate that you have to experience this heart ache. His funeral was the sweetest thing I have ever been to. You and Rusty are amazing and made me a better person that day! Thank you for sharing your sweet baby.

  3. I appreciate you sharing that with me. I too wondered what in the world to say or do. By the way i got your chirstmas card and just loved it, its hanging on my fridge, what a sweet little boy he is, so cute.

  4. I know what you mean. Im not sure people know what to say.. church is hard, but great at the same time. I saw a little girl with a huge flower in her hair this week and it was tough to not loose it. Loosing it is ok. There are def days when I feel like Im never gonna make it through the day, then others when we are happy...
    We wish you a merry Christmas!
    Im sure Kaden is being taken care of up there.. lots of love coming your way!
    My Camden still prays for Kaden and Kyndal everynight@!

  5. This post is very true! I know for me I have no idea what to say at all! I can't imagine at all what you are going through and I hope to never experience what you are going through. All I can say is how truly sorry I am and how much my heart aches for you and for Rusty and for all of your family. You and Rusty are amazing people. You are in my thoughts and prayers! I love you! Please take care!

    All My Love and Thoughts,

  6. Jacquie -

    I was in Bethany's ward when I lived in Mesa. It is a small world, I guess. She is a great writer. Anyway...

    I love you and think you are the best. Thank you for all of the service you give to my family. I mean, it is really hard to get people to socialize with Gavin and Karly :). By the way, the staircase is gorgeous, just like you.

    My kids pray for you and Rusty, Kaden too. I feel so blessed to know you guys. Thanks also for letting me have a chance to meet your little guy. He is adorable.

    I would love to hear more stories about Kaden. Can I call you sometime to make a date to hang out?

    Take care and Merry Chirstmas,

    Jenny Smith

  7. Hello, Jacquie and Rusty, than you for including us on your mailing list for Christmas, we have known Rusty since he was born and of course Lari
    (she is friends with our daughter Darci), we were so glad that you shared your beautiful baby boy and his story with us, all life is precious and his most precious. We appreciate your strong testimony and know what you said is truth. We wish you minute to minute and hour to hour happiness through each day.. Love to all,
    Del and Helen DowDell