The following was written by me to share with the Beehives (12 year old girls) in my ward for our lesson on Sunday "Overcoming Trials"
Just thought I would share...
“There is nothing more we can do” were the words I feared the most. My son lied in the bed hooked up to multi IV’s, a breathing machine etc. His body was covered with tubes helping to sustain life here on earth. It was approximately 6 am. We had just been transferred the day before from Cardon Children’s Medical Center to St. Jo’s Hospital in hopes of better procedures only done there. It was Monday. But really, in the moment I had no sense of time. I was merely surviving (as I continued to do for months following.)
My son Kaden was born on June 5, 2009 at 24 weeks gestational age (approximately 6 months pregnant). It was an extremely difficult pregnancy. I was put on bed rest at approximately 12 weeks in hopes to allow this baby to grow. We decided his name and later found out that it meant “fighter”; we thought wow how perfect for this little boy who keeps fighting. I ended up in the hospital and the nurses and Dr’s helped me do everything I could to stay pregnant. I fought for him while he was fighting with me. I started at one hospital and ended up transferring to another where they were prepared for him in the NICU if I ended up going into labor. After being transferred to the new hospital one night I was in severe pain, my water broke and they wheeled me from antepartum to labor and delivery. It was sinking in. I would be delivering. I would have a baby at 24 weeks and 2 days.
At 24 weeks and two days my son was born at a mere 1 pound 14 ounces. I knew he would be a fighter-like his name means. It was extremely scary. The Dr’s gave him a 30% chance of making it. They told me about all the complications that could occur but were angels to our family. We spent every day and moment we could with him up at the hospital. There is not a day that went by that we were not there cheering him on with each and every struggle he faced. He hit many milestones like coming of the breathing machine, being feed some of his milk thru a bottle and much more. We made memories with him. We loved and continue to love him.
On November 30th early in the morning after spending the night in the waiting room we were brought into Kaden’s room. The Dr wanted to talk with us. My feared words were spoken, “There is nothing more we can do.” We had to make the decision when to take him off support. My heart literally broke in pieces that morning and will NEVER return.
We were able to give him kisses goodbye and hope it would last until we are reunited with him again. The Dr’s took him off support and gave me a rocking chair to rock him in as he peacefully passed away in my arms. The lump in my throat is still present. The fact that I had to burry my only son literally tore me into pieces. I could not fathom how one could have to do such a thing. So on December 5, 2009 we had a funeral for our son and laid him to rest until we are reunited again.
Now, in the beginning there was never a moment in my mind that I could not get the words out of my head. “Your son died.” and “You will have to live without him for the rest of your life.” How could I not be angry? How could I not question everything I have ever been taught? How could my Heavenly Father allow this to happen to ME? How could I go on living? But I did and still do. Multiple people would and continue to tell Rusty and I how we are the strongest people and how they could never endure such a trial. I don’t claim to be the strongest person and I do believe that there was so much purpose in this trial.
I know there must be a purpose. I would not have wanted to lose Kaden nor would I have agreed to coming to this earth knowing I would lose my son if there was not a purpose. I would never trade the lessons I continue to learn from this trial. I am not the same person I was. I continue to strive to reach my full potential and I view that in a whole new light. I would never say I have overcome this trial. I don’t think it is a trial that anyone could overcome. But I would say that I have not allowed this trial to overcome me in the sense of letting it lead me down a destructive path.
This trial will continually be there to teach me and help me grow in more ways than I know how. I have come to gain a testimony like I never really had before. I always knew there was a Heavenly Father who loves me. I always knew what I needed and continually need to do to return to him some day. But, when your very core is shaken; you can either, turn to the Lord and let the healing power of the atonement help you overcome the hard days or you can allow Satan try to discourage you and get you down. I have allowed the atonement take away the pain on my hard/bad days. I still have them and I am sure they will still happen until my Kaden is back in my arms again one day. And one day he will be.