Wednesday, July 13, 2011

5 days shy of 6 months

My sweetest Kaden,

Your little brother will be 6 months shortly.  It was 5 days shy of 6 months that you passed from this world to the next next.  You were not developmentally at his stage.  You were much more like a new born.  You loved to be snuggled and you only smiled at me a handfull of times.

It was just Monday night like any other and as your dad and I drove your brother home from Grandma and Grandpa Addington's I began to cry.  I hurt for you.  I miss you more than I can bear at times.  The hardest part of the grief is that it is my only connection to you.  I miss the connection I had while you were in my arms.  I feel guilty that your brother is now in my arms and I feel joy and love for him like I can't feel for you because you are not here in this world.  Don't get me wrong Kaden....I love you. I feel joy from the memories of you but sometimes the pain is so sharp and hurts so much because you are not in my arms.  I don't get to do all the things mommies do that have a 2 year old and a 6 month old. 

I wonder what you would look like and what you would be doing.  I wonder how proud of your little brother you would be.  Oh how I wonder....and when I do....I LONG for you.  I long to feel you in my arms again.  Someday....just not today....

Love your Mommy

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