Karter's Blessing Day

Yesterday we had the opportunity to bless Karter in our Sacrament Meeting.  It was very special for us to be able to do this since we did not have the opportunity to do so with his older brother.  Kaden was blessed in the hospital the day before he passed away. 

I was extremely grateful for all the family and friends who were there to support us.  Rusty gave him a beautiful blessing and Karter looked adorable in his little outfit.  I put him in a pin stripe outfit that matched Rusty's suit and they had the same tie!  I failed to take a picture of him before we ran off to church to get seats.  You see we thought there was going to be 3 babies blessed but there were only 2 so we wanted to get there early to get good seats.  Rusty also had a speaking assignment and he did a wonderful job! He has such an amazing talent for speaking.

So back to not having a picture....well you see I am famous for taking a million pictures but apparently there was so much going on yesterday I failed to get alot of them....

After the blessing we went to Rusty's brother Jim's house so we could fit everyone and enjoy some lunch together.  While we were there Karter was being feed by a bottle (I knew there was no way I could nurse him) and he had a MAJOR blowout and ruined our opportunity for a picture together! We will have to fake one for him! :) (mostly for me!....he just looked to cute to not have a picture)

Here is a picture of him on Saturday making sure the pants were shortened enough....not the best picture but you get the idea right!? 

Us after Karter was changed into his clean unpooped on outfit! :)

Days of Plenty

This was done by my fellow angel mother friend.  She has done a website to help raise money for those who are burdoned to purchase a child's headstone.  Her website is http://www.agoodgreif.com/.  Her name is Molly.  This video was made for her benefit concert.  It is pictures of angel families.  I love the song so thought I would share.

2 months old

Karter is 2 Month's Old!

Happy Birthday to my little man!

We went to the Dr. today and her are the stats

12 pounds 4 ounces

23.5 inches long

16'' head circumference

Enjoy some pictures of the last couple weeks!

I am going to miss this boy's cleft when they finally do surgery due to the fact that he always looks happy!! He has the best wide open smile EVER (along with his bro Kaden)!!

Grandma Addington had just given me a bath in this picture! Aren't I a cute Duck!?

 My mom's favorite thing is waking up to me wide awake and happy!! :)

My binki is not that easy for me to keep in by myself....infact it just slips right out my cute little cleft.  But the nuk is the easiest for me to keep in the longest.  Those soothies just don't work with my mouth! :)

These are my cousins Scarlet and JoJo.  They are the closest in age to me.

And last but not least....here is a snapshot of one of my latest BLOWOUTS!! gotta love it!



Karter's First Sunday

March 20, 2011

I went to church for the first time yesterday! I looked so handsome in my cute button up white shirt and kaki pants.  This is not my whole outfit but you get the idea right?  My mom was so nervous to take me to church for the first time...I am not sure why but she did great! She went to try to feed me and the mothers lounge was full! There were like NINE babies born in the same month as me and so I know I am going to have one cool primary class but in the meantime could they make another place for my mommy to feed me?? The car is not the most comfortable! :)

Kaden and Karter

March 6, 2011

We took Karter to the cemetary for the first time this day.  Rusty and I did not want to go their without each other for Karter's First time.  We talked about how much we miss and love Kaden and how we wish they could play together.  It is hard knowing they would be so close of buddies.  But I always wonder if Karter would have come to us so soon.  I don't know how life would be if Kaden were still here but I know that we just miss and love him and are excited to telling his youger brother Karter all about him!

This is Our Story

I went to the scrub store today to try on new scrubs.  I am going back to work in a couple weeks part time and needed to check this off on my things to do.  I got to talking with the girl who helped me.  It got me thinking (along with this post from my sweet friend).  And I am realizing something.

I hate meeting new people. Hate it.  I never used to hate it. I like it once they have gotten to know me a little better and things aren't so awkward.  Do you know why I hate it?  because THIS is OUR STORY.
I changed the title of my blog the other day and I think it is a bit more fitting.  Because really the reason I write this blog is so people can know OUR story.  So...in a nutshell here it is.

Rusty and I meet in October of 2006.  We both went to a Halloween party late one night and as I walked in Rusty and Gavin were walking out.  I walked in with another guy but started talking to my friend Gavin and noticed he had a really HOT friend! ;) Rusty and I started chatting and found conversation to be very easy and flowing.  We ended up going to ihop and laughed and flirted.  We ended up dating and got married in July of 2007. 

We were just your regular couple living in a dinky apartment behind someone house who then moved to the pool house behind Rusty's brother house.  We both worked and both enjoyed having fun with each other, other couples. 

Then there came a day that we wanted to have children.  We got pregnant after a couple months of trying with it ending in a very short pregnancy and miscarriage.  I had to wait a couple months to try and get pregnant again and I did.  It happened fairly quickly.  I still remember where I was standing when I called Rusty at work to let him know I was pregnant.  Things were going better this time until one day when I had cramping and bleeding.  I thought OH no....here we go again.  BUT....to my surprise our little Kaden still had a strong heartbeat.  Most of you know how I was on bed rest for 3 months and than had to be admitted to the hospital at 22 weeks pregnant.  I was able to fight with my little "fighter" to stay pregnant until I was 24 weeks and 2 days and then my body decided it was time. 

I had my first- Kaden at 24 weeks and 2 days.  Weighing in at 1 pound 14 ounces (big for a 24 weeker).  He fought for 4 months to gain weight, breath, pee and poop.  It was much to our surprise and liking that we were able to bring him home.  He was home for 47 days approximately seven weeks.  We than had to take him to the hospital.  He was in for it again.  He was 177 days old when he died.  The last weight I knew he was 9 pounds 7 ounces.  I could tell you so much more but for the sake of being brief this is it. 

Grieving has been interesting.  I can't explain the pain.  It. hurts. too. much. to even be described....it really is indescribable.

I got to a point in my mind where I wanted to love again.  Not. an. easy. task.  I wanted another baby to love on and spoil.  Never to replace my Kaden.  It was not an easy task and thinking too deeply about the fact that I could have had my fluke complications with Kaden's pregnancy again was too. much. to think. about.  I knew that if I was wanting and feeling up to the idea of getting pregnant that is what I should do.  I am grateful that I got pregnant immediately because really if I didn't my mind might have stopped me from trying. 

soooo....I guess what I am trying to say is this.  We are NOT your typical family.  To the new people we have to meet....this is our story....We got married almost four years ago.  We have two children.  Rusty works for a sleep disorder company and I am a part time orthodontic assistant.  Our first child lived just shy of 6 months and one is 7 weeks old.  This is why I hate meeting new people.  I usually try to avoid telling them our first died but when you know they will eventually find out I try to tell them in the best way possible..?? is that possible I am not too sure.  It just gets awkward after telling them.  Like Deer in the headlights...did she just say that??? look at me.  I hate that I think more than I hate meeting new people or is it that that's why I hate meeting new people....and then there is my son Karter's Cleft Lip that some people are socially normal and just ask "is he able to eat ok?" and that leads me into an explanation.  I think my baby is ADORABLE and will his lip be fixed so he is able to talk normal, eat normal, and not have snot run into his mouth??? yes.  it will be but in the mean time....I wish people knew how to deal with it!

My life has taught me something about the human race.  We want everything to be perfect.  We want life to be perfect.  Live in a perfect house.  Have perfect children. Have a perfect marriage.  Life is NOT perfect!! It is messy and mine is a mess that is EASY to see...and that my friends is why it's so hard  for me to meet new people...sometimes I wish I could say yes Rusty and I have been married almost four years.  We have two children.  and when the inevitable question how old are they comes I wish I could say almost 2 years old and 7 weeks old.  But I can't. and that is why We are NOT typical.  Does being unique make me better...no...but I hope it can teach me all I was intended to learn....cause that is the point right?
Ok the NOVEL ends here.

5 Generations

We took Karter to meet my Great Grandma and his Great Great Grandma

5 Generations.

My Grandma is 96 years old and only within the past year has been living in an assisted living home.  She is healthy as can be and still knows how to hold precious Karter.  She was so excited to meet him and even more amazed at his "Levi's."  She could not believe they made them so small!  This is my dad's dad's mother.  How neat is that!  We had one of these pictures taken with Kaden too! She has two Great Great Grandchildren! Imagine what she must feel like to see her family grow like this!

Karter is getting more and more alert these days:

-He weighs approximately 11 and a half pounds (stepping on the scale with and without him)

-He has now smiled at me, Rusty, and Grandma Addington

-He loves to look at faces and stare at them

-He loves to look at lights/fans

-He is such a little snuggler!

-He now wears 0-3 month and 3 month outfits (yes he is only 6 weeks!)

6 weeks

I have been thinking alot about these next few weeks.  Kaden was 177 days old when he passed away.  If he were to have been born on his original due date September 23rd he would have only been 68 days old.  That would have made him a corrected age of approximately 9 weeks.  Karter is a little over 6 weeks old right now and ddevelopmentally he was about where Kaden was (minus the head control.)  They both have now smiled at me.  A time with Kaden that will be treasured forever and moments with Karter that will never be taken for granite

Karter has been able to do things I did not do with Kaden.  I took Kaden to Yogurt Land and Jersey Mikes only one time for Rusty and I to go on a date.  I also took him to Hobby Lobby once.  The only places Kaden was able to go was our house and my moms and he went to Rusty's parents once or twice I can't remember exactly.  We were not able to take him around little kids at all.  He was not able to meet all his cousins nor my cousins for that matter.  It makes me sad.  I wish they were able to have bonded with him and got to know him. 

Karter has been able to meet all his cousins and mine.  All of his Aunts and Uncles have held him.  He has gone out with us to restaurants and on errands with me.  To pack him up in the car is quick and easy.  Kaden took a little more time and effort but we did not care! 

I have not took Karter to church with us yet.  It makes me so nervous. People sometimes bring their kids to church sick (I hate it but it's true)  and I think I still have that paranoidness from Kaden lingering within me.  I fear Karter will somehow get sick and wind up in the hospital and die.  There I said it.  When one of your children dies you are not protected from having another die too.  Makes me sick to my stomach! 

Pretty soon it will feel like Kaden is not the "oldest" sibling because Karter will surpass him Developmentally even though Kaden was just shy of 6 months old when he died.  That makes me sad.  I have been thinking about this alot. 

But one thing that is neat to me is that one day Karter will ask me to tell him stories about his older brother.  And he will get to know him through my memories.  I am so grateful for the memories......

It is weird for me to think I have been a mother for over 15 months but my babies are all about 2ish months in "age."  Not too sure how fair that is....to them or for me...

Holding Karter....Missing Him....

Lunch

This thing we call grieving.  Mourning for the loss of a loved one.  It is interesting.  I went to lunch with the girls today.  We are all apart of the "club."  We have all had children.  All of them had died after either a couple hours or around the age of 2.  There was 12 of us and not everyone was there.  We are all in different stages and it made me ponder today.... 

We all get together for lunch and sometimes we talk about our little angels but sometimes it is just normal conversation and sometimes we do both.  Today I have been thinking alot about where I am at in my grief.  I am in a better place than when I first went to these "club" lunches. 

The first one I came home to my mom and cried my eyes out realizing why I was in this "club" and how it was just oh so unfair (and it is).  I was almost angry at anyone who had brought another one of their children.  I never admitted that out loud to anyone but I definitely thought it- like how dare you bring your child...I lost my only child!! HELLO! (even though they all had lost at least one child....I had this thought about everyone....like how DARE you) I was consumed with thoughts about wishing I did not loss my Kaden.  Thoughts about him and how unfair and how NO one understood my pain consumed my EVERY waking thought.

The second lunch I went to....I had healed enough to a place that I was not consumed with so much anger.  I never used to think it was an anger stage until I really took a look back at it.  It is still there to a degree and sometimes worse than others but just different now.  I was pregnant with Karter last lunch.  We talked about me finding out what I was having and I was just on edge about knowing how the next couple months would pan out. 

The lunch I went to today was much different.  I can't even believe it has been 15 months.  I still remember my friend telling me one day at her house before I was pregnant and even thinking about being pregnant that I could have a baby in 15 months (enough time for it to have been a year since Kaden was born and for a 9 month pregnancy.)  Here I am 15 months later....and I have another baby. 

Karter has helped me feel like a mom again.  I always knew I was a mother and I am still and forever will be Kaden's mother but for me it was so hard to become a mother and then BAMB one day not get to do motherly things for Kaden.  That was so hard for me. I grieved for that and of course still do.  That is why I would get so upset in my mind at people who complained about HAVING to do motherly things....I love being able to do motherly things for Karter.  Am I tired? yes.  Is it repetitive? yes.  do I love it? yes.  My husband said the sweetest thing to me the other day....he said "You still light up around Karter even at the end of the day when you have been home all day and I LOVE it." 

Grieving is like a wave.  It comes and goes.  Sometimes I wish for it to come so I can cry and remember Kaden but oh how it hurts....so so very. very. badly.  I am grateful for how far I have come and for the women that have loved me on my journey.

Kaden and Karter again....