Lunch

This thing we call grieving.  Mourning for the loss of a loved one.  It is interesting.  I went to lunch with the girls today.  We are all apart of the "club."  We have all had children.  All of them had died after either a couple hours or around the age of 2.  There was 12 of us and not everyone was there.  We are all in different stages and it made me ponder today.... 

We all get together for lunch and sometimes we talk about our little angels but sometimes it is just normal conversation and sometimes we do both.  Today I have been thinking alot about where I am at in my grief.  I am in a better place than when I first went to these "club" lunches. 

The first one I came home to my mom and cried my eyes out realizing why I was in this "club" and how it was just oh so unfair (and it is).  I was almost angry at anyone who had brought another one of their children.  I never admitted that out loud to anyone but I definitely thought it- like how dare you bring your child...I lost my only child!! HELLO! (even though they all had lost at least one child....I had this thought about everyone....like how DARE you) I was consumed with thoughts about wishing I did not loss my Kaden.  Thoughts about him and how unfair and how NO one understood my pain consumed my EVERY waking thought.

The second lunch I went to....I had healed enough to a place that I was not consumed with so much anger.  I never used to think it was an anger stage until I really took a look back at it.  It is still there to a degree and sometimes worse than others but just different now.  I was pregnant with Karter last lunch.  We talked about me finding out what I was having and I was just on edge about knowing how the next couple months would pan out. 

The lunch I went to today was much different.  I can't even believe it has been 15 months.  I still remember my friend telling me one day at her house before I was pregnant and even thinking about being pregnant that I could have a baby in 15 months (enough time for it to have been a year since Kaden was born and for a 9 month pregnancy.)  Here I am 15 months later....and I have another baby. 

Karter has helped me feel like a mom again.  I always knew I was a mother and I am still and forever will be Kaden's mother but for me it was so hard to become a mother and then BAMB one day not get to do motherly things for Kaden.  That was so hard for me. I grieved for that and of course still do.  That is why I would get so upset in my mind at people who complained about HAVING to do motherly things....I love being able to do motherly things for Karter.  Am I tired? yes.  Is it repetitive? yes.  do I love it? yes.  My husband said the sweetest thing to me the other day....he said "You still light up around Karter even at the end of the day when you have been home all day and I LOVE it." 

Grieving is like a wave.  It comes and goes.  Sometimes I wish for it to come so I can cry and remember Kaden but oh how it hurts....so so very. very. badly.  I am grateful for how far I have come and for the women that have loved me on my journey.