Our Christmas Card (kind of...)

We will forever list Kaden as apart of our family...because he is of course part of us and continues to be although he is not exactly in our home.  And as far as Karter goes...we are thinking this will for sure be his name but may change our minds when he gets here....but so far I like it!  We hope all of you find yourselves enjoying your holiday season! Thanks for the love and support shown from all of you this year as we found ourselves surviving and coping yet living life without our sweet son Kaden. 

Love to all!

November 30, 2010

November 30, 2010- 1 year anniversary

I can hardly believe it has been a year since I held my sweet boy in my arms.  I literally watched his spirit leave his body.  I am left with much grief and much sorrow.  Words don't do it justice but I am left with a grateful heart for the memories I have and for those who still remember and honor my son.

This was a very touching and sweet experience.  It's been a year and yet people still remember and show their love for our son and as his mother it brought me much peace and comfort this day.

Rusty and I were able to place the tile that was made in honor of Kaden.  It is on the wall in Banner Deseret Medical Center NICU (now know as Cardon's).  We graciously recieved such an honor.  Not every child has a tile and in fact a lot of the tiles are done by families.  Kaden's tile was donated from his Neonatologist group and nurses who loved him.  They still remember and love him. What a gift!



Missing Him

How can a mother live without her child for the rest of her life???

It's almost been

1 year...

I am doing it a day, moment, hour, and second at a time.

I miss him with everything I have.



Admist sorrow I am grateful.

I am not sure if this time of year is easy or hard to miss and remember our son.

I know it is hard.

I know that being almost forced to look at how much I have to be grateful for does ease a little of my pain.

This month leaves me completely drained.

A. I am pregnant

B. I miss Kaden more than words

C. I can find so much to be grateful for

As I look back at what has almost been a year without our son in my arms I can't believe we have survived.  We have done it! I say that with a huge whole in my heart and yet with suprise that I am strong enough and have enough faith to go through a trial and yet a blessing of having a child and only being blessed with a short time with him on this earth.  I can do hard things.  I am grateful for that.  Yet as that day November 30th comes closer my heart aches more for him.  I have been inspired by many people in this blogging world to list some things I am grateful for.

First and foremost my family.  All of them! Especially my adorable, fun loving, kind, hardworking, handsome husband!!! And of course my children...Kaden and my soon to be little Karter.  They all have had a huge role in my life.  They are helping me to become the person my Heavenly Father knows I can become!!

I am also grateful for my testimony.  I know the Gospel is true. I know it with all my heart! I am grateful for my Savior.  He knows my griefs and has carried my sorrows and continues to plead for me on my behalf.

I am grateful for friends.  Friends who love me for me.  They accept my faults and even love me for them.  They have been there for me in my good times and my extremely hard times.

I am grateful for those who lift me in my trials as they have experienced their own.

I am grateful for this season of gratitude to reflect on the most important things in this life. 

Update

28 weeks!!!

I have not been good posting lately.  Here is what has been going on in my world.  I am feeling really good.  I feel so good that I have made it this far!! I feel better each week that goes by.  I feel Mr. Karter moving like a crazy boy in me.  I love watching my stomach dance.  He moves so much sometimes it makes my tummy jiggle!!  Aside from everyone talking about how huge I am I love this!!  I took the glucose test and I have to take the 3 hour test but hopefully I'll pass it.  

We are hoping to move in our new house next week.  We are excited about it.  

This time of year brings me lots of happy memories and yet it is so bitter sweet.  Kaden spent last year in our home.  I was playing part in his care.  I LOVED every single second of it.  Never once complained about the difficulties of serving him.  He was such a happy content baby.  He hated only a few things: changing his NG tube, oxygen tubing and going poop! I love him and miss him dearly.  I can't believe it has almost been a year since we last held him in our arms.  It hurts to the core and yet allows me to know I can do hard things although I'd rather not...

25 weeks!!!!!

This is a HUGE milestone for me!! HUGE

I had a doctor appointment today and an ultrasound.  What a crazy feeling to have an ultrasound of my baby at 25 weeks.  That was a first for me!  Everything went smooth with the fetal heart echo. 

Here is a picture of me in my bedroom at Grandma's!

25 WEEKS

20 weeks and Moving

This is 2 weeks ago.  I decided I needed to capture what I looked like.

This was the day before we had to be out of our apartment.

Not going to lie.

I cried.

and

did not want to shut that door

for the

last time.

It was hard leaving that apartment.

SO many Happy memories were made there.

We are temporarily in my Grandma's House while we wait to close on our house.

On a side note...I am 22 weeks now and yesterday September 23rd (Kaden's Due Date) believe it or not...Rusty felt our little boy kick for the first time!! He was so so so excited especially since he never had that opportunity with Kaden.  Well, we are doing good in the Fife family I'll post pics of the house soon!