My BrAiN NEVER stops...

So I will begin. It Never stops. Ever. Sleeping. Awake. Tired. Happy. Sad. Every. Minute. Second. or Day. It Never STOPS! In a way it is a good thing. A patient and I were talking to the Dr. and talking about the difference between a man and a women. A women can be doing the dishes THINKING about getting the floor vacumed, going grocery shopping, her children, what time she should start dinner, the task at hand and etc...

I am a women and my BRAIN never stops thinking about my little Kaden. EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING reminds me #1 of the sweet joy he brought me, #2 that he is not here
#3 how it HURTS oh so ever badly.

There are moments...I am grateful my brain NEVER stops. There are also moments I just want to SHUT it off for a little while. But...all that said...I remind myself constantly of the GREAT and WONDERFUL reuinion we will have one day. I pray that my sweet Kaden is comforted as I am also comforted because I KNOW he MISSES us too! He longs for us as much if not more for us. I know it HURTS him to see me HURTING...tears...I am so very grateful for the Atonement for it makes the Gospel POSSIBLE to work.

In Sunday School yesterday our Teacher did a little demonstration. We all were to stand. The last standing would get the Gift she brought. She said "OK anyone who has ever sinned stay standing, ever lied, ever needed comfort, ever offended by someone, ever...ever...ever..." As we ALL were still standing she said of course. I knew you would all be standing. That is why this gift is for EVERYONE!

The Atonement is a GIFT. For everyone. Love our Heavenly Father. We are able to be forgiven, comforted, it gives us the opportunity to be ressurected, it takes away the act of the Fall (so we are not responsible), it allows us to come back in his presence one day, it allows Kaden and us to reunite one day,etc...etc.... It makes everything in his plan for us simply possible.

A man said this in our class...and I LOVED it: listen or should I say READ carefully....

"DON'T let what you DON'T know ever get in the way of what you DO KNOW!!"

That brings me to my conclusion:

I could question and question and ask WHY WHY WHY....but I must not let what I don't know ever get in the way. I do know that I have a testimony of the gospel. That is truely ALL that matters. I do know I have an Eternal Family.

Camelback Mountain

Our Saturday Hike!

Rusty and I at the TOP!!

Smiling because this is me coming down not going up!! This is the part I wanted to HURT Rusty at! He left me to do it by myself and I thought I was going to die.

We did it! Or should I say "I DID IT!!" Rusty has hiked this mountain a ton of times but we did it for my FIRST time on Saturday!

Miracle

MIRACLE Lyrics: Linda Thompson Music: Stephen Dorff

sung by Celine Dion.

Listened to this yesterday. Cried...had to share. changed some of it to past tense.

dedicated to Kaden Fife

You're my life's one Miracle (so far)

Everything I've done that's good

And you break my heart with tenderness

And I confess it's true

I never knew a love like this 'til you

You're the reason I was born

Now I finally know for sure

And I'm overwhelmed with happiness

So blessed to have held you close

The one that I love most

Though the future has so much for you in store

Who could ever love you more

The nearest thing to heaven

You're my angel from above

Only God creates such perfect love

When you smiled AT me I cried

And to save your life I'd die

With a romance that is pure in heart

You are my dearest part

Whatever it requires I live for your desires

Forget my own, your needs will come before

Who could ever love you more

There is nothing you could ever do

To make me stop loving you

And every breath I take Is always for your sake

You sleep inside my dreams

And know for sure

Who could ever love you more

How do I do this?!

Many of you ask how do I do this?! How do I go on?! How is this fair? and of course I ask myself the same questions. I think sometimes..."How can I do this for the REST of my life???" How can I bare this? We don't really have a choice in our trials...we only have a choice in how we accept them.

But I think the things that truly help me the most are the prayers from MANY on our behalf. I know that our Heavenly Father answers those prayers and gives us the strength that we need. This is why I always have to laugh when people tell me how amazing I and Rusty are. Our Faith and Knowledge is the ONLY thing that we can CLING to. I think those three things give us the strength along with loving friends and family surrounding us. Imagine if that is all you did was CLING to your faith....you would gain strength too!? RIGHT!

I would like to share some of those things I cling to...from a man who lost multiple children:

At the funeral of two year-old Marian Lyon, the Prophet said:

"We have again the warning voice sounded in our midst, which shows the uncertainty of human life; and in my leisure moments I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially

those that seem to be the most intelligent and interesting. The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world, and it....grows more wicked and corrupt...The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil,

and we shall soon have them again...

"....The only difference between the old and young dying is one live as longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from the miserable, wicked world. Notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lose sight of it, and we mourn the loss, but we do not mourn as those without hope."

"A question may be asked--'Will mothers have their children in eternity?' Yes! Yes! Mothers, you shall have your children; for they shall have eternal life, for

their debt is paid."

President Joseph F. Smith, the sixth President of the church, reported:

"Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child,

he said to her: 'You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit'...

(Teachings of Presidents of the Church Joseph Smith; Chapter 14, pg. 176-177)

Knowing that I will have my little Kaden again is the thought that gets me through the day...honestly there are days I ask why!? Trust me! But these things give me the

strength to endure.

more on this later...thanks for listening!!!

Heart Pillow

I went to sewing class for my ward last night (which was my first night going)
I am pretty impressed with my skills in fact. I bought more fabric to make more for Valentines. I am always a little premature in decorating anyway.

But this pillow and a conversation with a friend got me thinking....
I think Heavenly Father in our worst of times wishes so badly he could come and just hug us. Don't you want to hug your children when they hurt??!! I feel that he just wants to take my pain and hurt away as any parent would want to do for a child of theirs. I know he loves me and I know that he sends angels to our rescue to sustain us and help us. These angels I call friends...there to hug me and tell me I understand your pain. Specifically one friend of mine knows my pain all to well...and for that I hurt but for the fact that she puts her arms around me and hugs me with a glimpse of what I am experiencing confirms to me that our Loving Heavenly Father (who is the only one who truely understands) loves us and sends us angels to help us at times like this. Thank you for loving me instantly and pulling me under your wing. You are a true blessing...

PS...I like to think I possibly had a dream for the first time that I can faintly remember. I never saw him or anything but I remember waking up to myself kissing someone. I am going to think it was Kaden. Missing him today...

Today.

Today was my first day back to work. Today I enjoyed the company of the girls I work with. Today I worked my butt off (still there though dang it :)) Today I realized this is my new today. Today I missed Kaden. Today I realized this today was my new reality (at least for now). Today at lunch I broke down. Today I wanted to come home or even go visit Kaden. Today put into perspective that I will not see Kaden after work anymore. Today was my first day (full time) back in almost a year. Today I missed Kaden.

This is not what I wanted or planned. I am grateful for the sweet girls I work with though...I realized that I am back to work and don't get to enjoy being a stay at home mom for a while...it hurt. Today I hurt!

2009 in a nutshell....

This sweet boy filled our 2009 with so much Joy. 2009 will be a year we will never forget. It changed us. He changed us.

We decided to get Kaden a set of Mickey Ears from Disneyland to honor him. We were wishing he was there with us. We talked about him a lot that day. We will put this on my mom's Disneyland Tree for Christmas every year in memory of our sweet boy.

Rusty and I at California Adventures December 2009

Our Favorite Ride at California Adventures besides California Screamin of course!

What a year! How could ONE year pass by and bring me more joy, fear, and sorrow than I have EVER experienced in my entire life!? I say joy because that is exactly what he was to me a joy! Kaden was an absolute joy! He was my little buddy that kept me company...he filled my days with purpose and love. He taught me so much in his short little life.

So Rusty and I went on vacation...for the first time since March '09. We went to California for three and a half days. We had hotel points for 4 nights and found this a perfect time to take a much need vacation. Before we left I was feeling much anxiety...I couldn't figure out why until we said a prayer. I hadn't left since I was pregnant with Kaden. I was dedicated to him 24/7 being on bedrest during my pregnancy and then once he got here there was no leaving town. It brought me anxiety leaving realizing that my little boy really is not here. He is not here. Words I don't like to say. Little things such as leaving town, taking down the Christmas decorations, putting away his clothes and ringing in a new year brings more realization to me that he is not here. I miss him greatly. At times it physically hurts that he is gone. Literally my body and mind ache for him. But oh the comfort I feel knowing what I know. My sweet husband is amazing. He is my best friend. When I cry he willingly gives me his shoulder to cry on. He tells me it is ok to cry because it is! I have my good days too...I absolutely LOVE to talk about my sweet boy! It reminds me of the joy and love I have for him. My hope for 2010 is to continue to enjoy sweet memories of my sweet boy, and to really accomplish some personal goals of mine!

Happy New Year Everyone!! Hope 2010 is filled with much joy!