Monday, January 25, 2010

My BrAiN NEVER stops...

So I will begin. It Never stops. Ever. Sleeping. Awake. Tired. Happy. Sad. Every. Minute. Second. or Day. It Never STOPS! In a way it is a good thing. A patient and I were talking to the Dr. and talking about the difference between a man and a women. A women can be doing the dishes THINKING about getting the floor vacumed, going grocery shopping, her children, what time she should start dinner, the task at hand and etc...

I am a women and my BRAIN never stops thinking about my little Kaden. EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING reminds me #1 of the sweet joy he brought me, #2 that he is not here
#3 how it HURTS oh so ever badly.

There are moments...I am grateful my brain NEVER stops. There are also moments I just want to SHUT it off for a little while. But...all that said...I remind myself constantly of the GREAT and WONDERFUL reuinion we will have one day. I pray that my sweet Kaden is comforted as I am also comforted because I KNOW he MISSES us too! He longs for us as much if not more for us. I know it HURTS him to see me HURTING...tears...I am so very grateful for the Atonement for it makes the Gospel POSSIBLE to work.

In Sunday School yesterday our Teacher did a little demonstration. We all were to stand. The last standing would get the Gift she brought. She said "OK anyone who has ever sinned stay standing, ever lied, ever needed comfort, ever offended by someone, ever...ever...ever..." As we ALL were still standing she said of course. I knew you would all be standing. That is why this gift is for EVERYONE!

The Atonement is a GIFT. For everyone. Love our Heavenly Father. We are able to be forgiven, comforted, it gives us the opportunity to be ressurected, it takes away the act of the Fall (so we are not responsible), it allows us to come back in his presence one day, it allows Kaden and us to reunite one day,etc...etc.... It makes everything in his plan for us simply possible.

A man said this in our class...and I LOVED it: listen or should I say READ carefully....

"DON'T let what you DON'T know ever get in the way of what you DO KNOW!!"

That brings me to my conclusion:

I could question and question and ask WHY WHY WHY....but I must not let what I don't know ever get in the way. I do know that I have a testimony of the gospel. That is truely ALL that matters. I do know I have an Eternal Family.


  1. Jacquie-
    I am so sorry. I truly know. Mine has been gone over 5 months and he is still the front and center of my thoughts. I think I have started to finally learn to push him a little to the side. So he is still there, but I can focus a little more on other things. I told you I am so sorry it was your first. As bad as it was to miss 6 months of my other childrens lives while Ethan was alive, it was good to have to stay busy worrying about them once he passed. However I feel like I have only recently been "there" for them if you know what I mean. Keep busy and hold the blessings of the gospel close to your heart!

  2. Just know many are still thinking and praying for you.
    Someday . . .

  3. I miss him too. I look at my little grandson and think about the older cousin he will not have, and I am thankful for how healthy he is, then I think about you and Rusty, then it all crashes in on me again. You are one of the strongest people I know---stay strong. We all loved the little guy......I sure did

  4. I fixed that button on the angel blog.... go ahead and try it again. I just wanted to let you know that if it is too large for your sidebar, you might have to place it right under your header, like on MY BLOG... or even right above your posts. You can move it all around on the layout page to see where it fits best. Good luck, let me know if you have anymore questions!!! Your little guy is gorgeous.