Leaving...

I am leaving on a trip

for the first time in our marriage.

{Rusty usually is the one who leaves on trips for work}

My hope is to enjoy.

to laugh.

to have fun.

to rejuvinate.

BUT

as I leave I feel a sadness.

this would have been my first trip leaving Kaden with his Dad.

(would I have left? maybe. probably not.)

I stood in this room swaying like I used to do when I held him

remembering S.O. clearly what it felt like.

the L.O.V.E I felt

_______________________

I can't help but think about how my life has changed

without him physically here.

Kaden's Memorial

Here is our proof.  We finally made a decision.  I think it will be nice to have something there.

SOMETIMES...

I will be out and about and I see someone

who was apart of Kaden's Life.

Like the UPS man who would deliver his feeding supplies and oxygen canula's

OR

a NICU nurse that took care of him once or twice

OR

a NICU nurse that took care of him ALOT.

It has happened a couple of times.

Sometimes...

they

know.

Sometimes...

only

I

know.

It makes me miss him.

BUT

it's like he is saying HI mom! I love you!

silly

to some

but not to me!

{i LOVE it}

and sometimes...

I make them apart of my life...

like my family, or some of his nurses, or some Dr.'s
and it reminds me of him and
that he really did live

that it is not all just a D.R.E.A.M
like it sometimes feels

LeT's Be HoNesT----SwIm SuIt SeSsIoN

Ok everyone...First of all I KNOW I NEED A TAN!!

secondly....let's have an open and honest discussion.

Buying a swim suit is NOT my idea of FUN...

it goes a little like this...

{which one will help me}

PUSH 'EM UP! SUCK ME IN! and STAY THERE!

so...

This is the best I could find...

and

I want your opinion...

Does it work for me?

{P.S.-still trying to loose some weight around the thighs and stomach...LOST 9lbs already!! :)}

As mother's day and my birthday are fast appraoching...I miss my sweet boy.

but I know...

that even though the world can't see.

I am a beautiful Mother.

How can I

do this?

My Husband and Family.

My Testimony.

My Relationship with my Heavenly Father.

Please Enjoy this message. 

Organize myself Friday.

Today I decided to organize.

We had a Relief Society Meeting last night.

Getting more organized.

This is my bathroom closet.  I keep our "EXTRA" stuff in there.  It's nice to have this extra space but I didn't like opening this closet especially when the bathroom was clean cause it just made everything feel dirty!

I feel so much better!

BEFORE:

{I didn't move a thing for this picture}

AFTER:

{now I know where everything is!!!}

{just to give you a close up!}

The Aftermath----never would have thought I could throw that much out from that closet

I DID IT!!!!

I hit my weight goal for the week!

SO...

I also got my weight goal reward!

which you can probably tell...

some

NEW

accessories!!!

{no sense in buying pants yet!? right! ;)}

Each week I have a goal set for myself in my calendar and every 2 weeks I give myself a reward if I hit my goal...and I hit mine!! I was so excited! can't wait till the next reward :)

Handmade Journal

Thinking about selling these journals:

Would you buy one?! OR do you want to buy this one!?

Dear Blog,

You always listen.  You are there for me when I want to cry.  You are there for me when I have happy times.  You don't judge me.  You help me understand how and why I feel the way I do.  You help me keep close to my friends. 

You let me tell my story.  You are such a help to me.  Thank you for being my friend.  You are the best friend a girl could ask for.  Always there.

Last year...missing my buddy!

To my mother.

Happy Birthday MOM and GRANDMA!!

{if you didn't know my mom she used to call herself the mother of a daughter who was going to be a mom}

but

once she meet Kaden....

she called herself GRANDMA proudly!!

We love you.

Hope you have a very special day.

Love from Heaven and Earth,

Jacquie, Rusty, and Kaden

allowing myself.

I have to allow myself to hurt

because..

I allowed myself to LOVE

freely.

He made our apartment a HOME.

Last night I was home alone.  Rusty was in Tuscon for work until 12 am.  I came home from work.  I sat and cried.  This is not the life I dreamed of.  I dreamed of Kaden.  Always there.  Growing.  Loving. Living. I dreamed of him playing with his siblings. The day we brought Kaden to our humble apartment was the most exciting day.  It was that day that I truely felt more of a mother.  He was with me.  I was with him.  He made an apartment more of a place of living but our home. 

My mind was flooded last night.  Flooded.  I have so many memories and every where I turn they flashed in my mind.  I was wishing I didn't have a stop to those memories.  His time was too short here. I remind myself that it was supposed to be this way.  But...in my moments of being home alone. I MISS him.  I cry and call out how very much I miss him.  "OH Kaden I MISS YOU SO MUCH!" Mommy wants to hold you and rock you and take care of you so badly.  Yes, I have learned so much since you moved from here to the hereafter but my heart still aches for you.  It will always ache for you. 

I write you letters in my journal...aching to talk with you.  ACHING to be near you.  Oh how it hurts right to the very core.  I have been blessed since you moved from here to there.  I have been fortunate to be reunited with my sweet friend whose son is with you.  She helped me find lots of women to relate to.  I have bonded with them in a way I never could have.  I only know my pain and my grief but our grief unites us.  We have an unspoken connection.  I am grateful for the strength they give me.

I came across this quote on Molly's blog.  She inspires me.  The way she writes and how her mind puts it all together is touching.  Thank you Molly. 

Neal A. Maxwell said, " Time is clearly not our natural dimension. Thus it is that we are never really at home in time. Alternately, we find ourselves wishing to hasten the passage of time or to hold back the dawn. We can do neither, of course, but whereas the fish is at home in the water, we are clearly not at home in time--because we belong to eternity. Time, as much as any one thing, whispers to us that we are strangers here."

In those 6 weeks that Kaden was home with us.  I felt complete as I have ever felt.  We finally had our little family all together.  We loved it.  It felt as if Time stood still.  I love this quote.  I am grateful we are only strangers here.  That someday we will be reunited only then will we feel the complete feeling JOY!

A message in an egg.

On Easter we meet a family at the cemetary. They gave my sisters paper and pen to write Kaden a note if they wanted. So my sister Rachel wrote him a letter. I found it today...In an egg and this is what it said:

Kaden-

I miss you so much buddy. I think of you every day. I have pictures in my room of you because it reminds me of your perfect example. my favorite is the one of your small hand holding on to someones finger. At the hardest times even you had courage. When I was with you I saw it and could feel you radiate such a sweet spirit. Your very lucky to have the mom you do. She grew up to be an amazing woman. I know because I saw her and noticed that she read her scriptures ad prayed faithfully. She was obedient and hard working. I may never know the pain she went through losing a child. She was so sad when you had to leave. We all were, but its comforting to know we can see you again. There is so much I could tell you about your wonderful parents but there isn't enough room. I'm sure you know them and watch them. I want you to also know that I look up to you. You bring me great strength. I think of how great it would be to live with you again and I am trying hard to be able to. Thank you for your example and sweet humble spirit. You mean so muc to me as well as the rest of our family. God be with you till we meet again. :) Love, Rachel (your favorite aunt :))

I have to think of a poem for you, I'll leave it next time I come or it may be a song? I enjoy singing and Im trying to become better but it takes time and practice. But I'll be sure to visit you more...last time was Christmas! But I think of you every day and I promise you I'll remember you and to pray every day. I love you.

I hope she doesn't mind me sharing...but after planning his headstone today...I was needing something like this and when I found and read it today...I must admitt I was a little teary eyed.
{THANK YOU RACHEL}

Kaden loves you too.

and so do I.

Note to SeLf...

took a hike at Camelback today.

with my Aunt Michele and Uncle Bubba

it was HARD

not as hard as last time :)

working out pays off!

came back to my mom's and...

I look like a LoBsTeR!!

note to self: wear sunscreen next time!

Say it with flowers...

Say it with flowers: THANK YOU!

I love to have Kaden's name creativly put in a picture.

Easter Sunday

Rusty and I visiting Kaden's grave.

Heather-one of Kaden's NICU nurses/my friend also came at the same time we were there.
She brought him the lilies. She is so thoughtful!

Rusty's parents, my sisters, my dad and Rusty.

(my mom was chatting with someone and I took this picture)

It was a happy day yesterday knowing the knowledge we have that because of our Savior's Resurrection we too will be resurrected and have the opportunity to raise our son in the millenium. I am so grateful and blessed to have that knowledge.

In the Improvement Era in June, 1904 Joseph F. Smith made the following statement:

The body will come forth as it is laid to rest, for there is no growth or development in the grave. As it is laid down, so will it rise, and changes to perfection will come by the law of restitution. But the spirit will continue to expand and develop, and the body, after the resurrection will develop to the full stature of man

In Gospel Doctrine Smith also states on p. 453-454:

Joseph Smith declared that the mother who laid downher little child, being deprived of the privilege, the joy, and the satisfaction of bringing it up to manhood or womanhood in this world, would, after the resurrection, have ALL the joy, satisfaction, and pleasure, and even more than it would have been possible to have had in mortality, in seeing her child grow to the full measure of the stature of its spirit...When she does it there, it will be with the certain knowledge that the results will be without failure; whereas here the results are unknown until after we have passed the test.

PiCtuRe UpDaTe....

The other weekend we went shooting for MY first time...it was pretty fun.

My Role as Kaden's Mother.

I think about this thought often:

{My Role as Kaden's Mother}

what is it?

I carried him and grew his little body inside of me for 24 weeks and 2 days.

I felt his tiny body flutter in me and then slowly make more distictively make kicks and hiccups.

I was on bedrest for over 3 months.

I fought to stay pregnant with him in the hospital for 2 weeks.

I went to the hospital and saw him every SINGLE day for the four months he was there.

I was allowed to change his diaper, take his tempature, place/remove his blood pressure cuff.

I was able to eventually feed him through the feeding tube and a bottle.

I was able to give him his baths.

I was able to dress him.

I was able to eventually hold him.

I was able to LOVE him.

I was able to clothe him, comfort him, enjoy him and fear for him.

I was able to feel his warm little body in my arms.

I was able rock him to sleep.

I was able to bring him home to nuture and love him 24/7.

I was able to share him with my family and rusty's siblings and parents.

I was protective of him.

I always made sure whoever was holding him had washed their hands.

I didn't let children come around him because of risk.

I was able to daydream of him growing into a young boy to adulthood.

I was able to take care of all his special medical needs.

I was willing to give all the attention to his development he needed.

I was willing to stay home with him every other Sunday

to allow him to not be put at risk of infection.

I was able to get up in the middle of the night and feed him even though it took SO long.

I was able to take him to and from his Dr appointments with an apnea moniter, oxygen, feeding tube. {all by myself-sometimes with his dad}

I was able to be with him for 177 days of his earthly life.

I was able to say goodbye until we meet again peacefully.

Now...

I am able to think of him always.

I am able to remember memories.

I mourn his seperation from us only because I LOVED him.

I am able to carry his memory on through stories.

I continue to LOVE him.

I will try to learn and carry on his legacy for he taught me

and continues to teach me all the time!

The list before is much longer.

I miss that part of being his Mother.

His Physical presence.

Him needing and relying on me to care for him.

I know I will be able to care and nuture him again someday

but, for now I only do it in my dreams.

HaPpY BiRtHdAY!!!

{Happy Birthday Dad and Grandpa}

from Heaven and Earth

We LOVE you!!

Love,

Rusty, Jacquie and Kaden

PS Yes...it really is my dad's birthday today...not an April Fool's joke! :)