Saturday, April 3, 2010

My Role as Kaden's Mother.

I think about this thought often:
{My Role as Kaden's Mother}
what is it?
I carried him and grew his little body inside of me for 24 weeks and 2 days.
I felt his tiny body flutter in me and then slowly make more distictively make kicks and hiccups.
I was on bedrest for over 3 months.
I fought to stay pregnant with him in the hospital for 2 weeks.
I went to the hospital and saw him every SINGLE day for the four months he was there.
I was allowed to change his diaper, take his tempature, place/remove his blood pressure cuff.
I was able to eventually feed him through the feeding tube and a bottle.
I was able to give him his baths.
I was able to dress him.
I was able to eventually hold him.
I was able to LOVE him.
I was able to clothe him, comfort him, enjoy him and fear for him.
I was able to feel his warm little body in my arms.
I was able rock him to sleep.
I was able to bring him home to nuture and love him 24/7.
I was able to share him with my family and rusty's siblings and parents.
I was protective of him.
I always made sure whoever was holding him had washed their hands.
I didn't let children come around him because of risk.
I was able to daydream of him growing into a young boy to adulthood.
I was able to take care of all his special medical needs.
I was willing to give all the attention to his development he needed.
I was willing to stay home with him every other Sunday
to allow him to not be put at risk of infection.
I was able to get up in the middle of the night and feed him even though it took SO long.
I was able to take him to and from his Dr appointments with an apnea moniter, oxygen, feeding tube. {all by myself-sometimes with his dad}
I was able to be with him for 177 days of his earthly life.
I was able to say goodbye until we meet again peacefully.
I am able to think of him always.
I am able to remember memories.
I mourn his seperation from us only because I LOVED him.
I am able to carry his memory on through stories.
I continue to LOVE him.
I will try to learn and carry on his legacy for he taught me
and continues to teach me all the time!
The list before is much longer.
I miss that part of being his Mother.
His Physical presence.
Him needing and relying on me to care for him.
I know I will be able to care and nuture him again someday
but, for now I only do it in my dreams.


  1. This was a really good reminder of the important role we all play as mothers. This is so special. Thanks Jac!

  2. Jacquie, my heart breaks for you all over again every time I read one of your amazing posts. Kaden was lucky. Yes, lucky to have you for his mother. There is so much love coming from you that he has to feel it all the way up there in Heaven. He is/was the luckiest boy in the whole wide world. And he will be again. When you and Rusty greet him in the hereafter. You rock, little one, you rock!!!!!