My Role as Kaden's Mother.

I think about this thought often:

{My Role as Kaden's Mother}

what is it?

I carried him and grew his little body inside of me for 24 weeks and 2 days.

I felt his tiny body flutter in me and then slowly make more distictively make kicks and hiccups.

I was on bedrest for over 3 months.

I fought to stay pregnant with him in the hospital for 2 weeks.

I went to the hospital and saw him every SINGLE day for the four months he was there.

I was allowed to change his diaper, take his tempature, place/remove his blood pressure cuff.

I was able to eventually feed him through the feeding tube and a bottle.

I was able to give him his baths.

I was able to dress him.

I was able to eventually hold him.

I was able to LOVE him.

I was able to clothe him, comfort him, enjoy him and fear for him.

I was able to feel his warm little body in my arms.

I was able rock him to sleep.

I was able to bring him home to nuture and love him 24/7.

I was able to share him with my family and rusty's siblings and parents.

I was protective of him.

I always made sure whoever was holding him had washed their hands.

I didn't let children come around him because of risk.

I was able to daydream of him growing into a young boy to adulthood.

I was able to take care of all his special medical needs.

I was willing to give all the attention to his development he needed.

I was willing to stay home with him every other Sunday

to allow him to not be put at risk of infection.

I was able to get up in the middle of the night and feed him even though it took SO long.

I was able to take him to and from his Dr appointments with an apnea moniter, oxygen, feeding tube. {all by myself-sometimes with his dad}

I was able to be with him for 177 days of his earthly life.

I was able to say goodbye until we meet again peacefully.

Now...

I am able to think of him always.

I am able to remember memories.

I mourn his seperation from us only because I LOVED him.

I am able to carry his memory on through stories.

I continue to LOVE him.

I will try to learn and carry on his legacy for he taught me

and continues to teach me all the time!

The list before is much longer.

I miss that part of being his Mother.

His Physical presence.

Him needing and relying on me to care for him.

I know I will be able to care and nuture him again someday

but, for now I only do it in my dreams.