Friday, April 9, 2010

He made our apartment a HOME.

Last night I was home alone.  Rusty was in Tuscon for work until 12 am.  I came home from work.  I sat and cried.  This is not the life I dreamed of.  I dreamed of Kaden.  Always there.  Growing.  Loving. Living. I dreamed of him playing with his siblings. The day we brought Kaden to our humble apartment was the most exciting day.  It was that day that I truely felt more of a mother.  He was with me.  I was with him.  He made an apartment more of a place of living but our home. 

My mind was flooded last night.  Flooded.  I have so many memories and every where I turn they flashed in my mind.  I was wishing I didn't have a stop to those memories.  His time was too short here. I remind myself that it was supposed to be this way. my moments of being home alone. I MISS him.  I cry and call out how very much I miss him.  "OH Kaden I MISS YOU SO MUCH!" Mommy wants to hold you and rock you and take care of you so badly.  Yes, I have learned so much since you moved from here to the hereafter but my heart still aches for you.  It will always ache for you. 

I write you letters in my journal...aching to talk with you.  ACHING to be near you.  Oh how it hurts right to the very core.  I have been blessed since you moved from here to there.  I have been fortunate to be reunited with my sweet friend whose son is with you.  She helped me find lots of women to relate to.  I have bonded with them in a way I never could have.  I only know my pain and my grief but our grief unites us.  We have an unspoken connection.  I am grateful for the strength they give me.

I came across this quote on Molly's blog.  She inspires me.  The way she writes and how her mind puts it all together is touching.  Thank you Molly. 
Neal A. Maxwell said, " Time is clearly not our natural dimension. Thus it is that we are never really at home in time. Alternately, we find ourselves wishing to hasten the passage of time or to hold back the dawn. We can do neither, of course, but whereas the fish is at home in the water, we are clearly not at home in time--because we belong to eternity. Time, as much as any one thing, whispers to us that we are strangers here."

In those 6 weeks that Kaden was home with us.  I felt complete as I have ever felt.  We finally had our little family all together.  We loved it.  It felt as if Time stood still.  I love this quote.  I am grateful we are only strangers here.  That someday we will be reunited only then will we feel the complete feeling JOY!

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