We will treasure these forever...

We had these done of Kaden and I am in LOVE....

Deshavu?

So I had a post that I deleted.  I don't want anyone to think I am over here trying to be dramatic or crazy!  I am just needing to get it out.  Many of you probably remember my complications with Kaden's pregnancy right? well as a refresher this is what happened.  I was diagnosed with a SCH subchorionic hemorage.  Basically it where bleeding collects in the gestational sac.  It happens in about 1% of pregnancies and has not been determined why.  Dr's say there is no evidence that it occurs because of anything a mother does.  It just happens!  Well, with Kaden it started in my first trimester and lasted into my second trimester.  Eventually, causing my placenta to weaken away....causing it inevitable to go into labor along with a placenta fetal side infection.  It was kind of a tumbling effect if you will.

Well, on Thursday evening I was out to dinner with some friends and had that feeling like "it is happening again."  I immediately went to the restroom, left dinner, called emergency triage and had Rusty and our friend give me a blessing.  Of course my mind is uneasy but I am so exhausted I try to just follow the nurses instruction. Check every hour and try to get some sleep, if the bleeding worsens go to the ER.  Well, fortunately I didn't need to go to the ER.  I called the Dr. in the morning and they got me in at 9:15am. 

Rusty came with me as support.  We figured either we lost the baby or it was the same thing with Kaden's pregnancy which is 1% of pregnancies remember!?  How this could happen again is mind boggling.  I have been so mixed emotions.  I am trying to focus on the positive but it is hard to think what complication caused all of the heartache of loosing our son is so overwhelming.

I am trying to keep positive in knowing there is also positive outcomes as well.  It is not guareented that what happened with Kaden will happen again.  But....will you please keep us in your prayers?

I can't say I am not asking why this has to happen to us again? and why the same complication to give us extra scare?  I can't say I am not a bit angry....but I am trying to have a positive outlook.  I can promise you all that I do know I am in the Lord's hands and that he does love us.  I also know I have a sweet son on my side in Heaven.  I can just picture him pleading my cause and being my advocate!  I also know that the Lord only sends trials our way to refine us and make us better so some day we can be good enough to endure his glory.

Realizing...

I felt the need to think my thoughts on paperish...so here I am.  I think I am finally really realizing this is my new life.  It is me and my husband.  We have a son named Kaden.  He only spent a short time with us here on earth.  He is now living beyond the veil.  I pray and hope I can be worthy enough to spend the eternities with him.  He taught us so much while he was here.  So many times I find myself reminding myself that he lived.  It feels like a very quick real dream.  Ya know those really really vivid ones?  BUT I know it's not a dream.  I could never feel the love I feel for him if I only were to have known him in my dreams.

I have my moments still of course but I am healing a bit I think.  OH the process.....it is so confusing, sad and strange.  Kaden came and now he is gone.  He is gone.  It is our new life.  We are growing, living, and healing.  I can't say I am fully to the point of acceptance.  The stages of grief are like the wind.  They change with each passing day, hour, minute and second.  I long to be with him but without him I must be.  At least for now.  I often think of that joyous reunion we will have one day.  It brings tears. literally.  OH the JOY! Someday just not now.

As for how I have been feeling lately...well just mostly tired.  Working alot and sleeping alot.  I can't complain too much.  I am just grateful to be expecting another Baby Fife.

Happy Father's Day

Father's Day---2009

{can you see Kaden?}

He was still very sick at this point on the Jet Ventilator.

Rusty took his temp, changed his diaper and helped with cares.

I remember talking about eating Mexican food that night and wondering what it would do to his diaper!! :)

We were so proud to be parents and of course continue to be so but can't you read it all over our faces!?

Rusty missed our little boy on Father's Day.  He had lots of memories running through his mind.  He told me how he kind of understood now I felt about Mother's day.

Rusty is such a wonderful dad to Kaden.  He loved to snuggle Kaden and often feel asleep doing so.  He also took good care of him and was involved in his care.  I couldn't ask for a better father to my child!

Thanks babe!

June

This month I was hoping to get

LOTS

of donations in honor of
KADEN'S BIRTHDAY!

SOOO....

DON'T forget to stop by his other blog

http://www.kadensmiles.blogspot.com/

to make a donation to

SMILE TRAIN

{it is tax deductible and you will not regret it!}

Can a women forget?

Isaiah 49:15-16

Can a women forget her sucking child, (I can't)

that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb?

yea, they may forget yet will I not forget thee.

Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands;

they walls are continually before me.

I could NEVER and will NEVER forget.

He will NEVER EVER forget us.

for

He suffered for each and every one of us.

I love this scripture.

Now...

with Kaden being gone

it makes it so much more real

He

will

not

forget us.

I will not forget Him or him.

Only because I promised.

Happy Birthday Kaden

Rusty and I on Kaden's 1st Birthday

(not the best pic but it works.)

The oval on the right will have his picture in it soon.

Happy Birthday Kaden!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 

to our little bubba

KADEN!

one year ago today you came 

into our lives and changed us forever

Enjoy a little walk down memory lane....

{yes....those are his feet}

This is how I loved on him for the first month...

He LOVED to kangaroo!

Always happy and content!

How cute is that outfit!!?

After one of his surgeries...even though he went through SO much he was still 

such a happy happy baby!!

AND he got to come HOME!!!! :)

Do you think he liked his baths?!! 

and do you think we were excited to give him his first at home!?

We started the morning by going to the temple.  We want to try to make that a tradition on his birthday.  I  ran into the Lactation specialist from the NICU.  She works at the temple.  It was SO good to see her.  I LOVE to see people that were apart of Kaden's life! She was so sweet!  I think it was like Kaden was saying hi mom!! thanks for being a cow of a mom and giving me LOTS of milk :)

Then we went home and Rusty made Texas Sheet Cake for his party.  He LOVES to make it and is way better then me at it! We got to my mom's and went to the cemetary to visit his grave and put a balloon on it.  I'll post pictures later.  That was the hardest part of the day.  It was really hard not having him here to squeeze and celebrate with us.

We want to THANK all of the people who came to his Birthday Party and donated a toy in honor of him tonight. Pictures to come.  We felt your love for us and for our sweet son! Thank you sooo much!

Can you believe?

I can hardly believe

my son

would be

turning ONE YEAR

but...

what is harder to believe or accept

is he only spent 6 months 

with us.

I sit here and can't help but think what would he be doing? would he have oxygen still? how would his feedings be going?  how would his birthday party be with him here?  oh the list goes ON AND ON.

 I try not to think about the sad as much as the happy but then of course the happy times makes me wish and long for those happy times again.  The day Kaden was born changed me forever.  I will forever be changed with him coming into my life.  I have never felt so complete and so broken on one day in my life.  I hope that he will be with us on his birthday even if it is just his spirit.  I long to feel his warmth and love. will you pray that I do? 

Our trip to OR/WA

Rusty had to work in Oregon this week so I meet him there after work and spent the weekend exploring parts of Oregon, and Washington.  We saw lots of waterfalls, Whidbey Island-(my mother in law grew up there) and Downtown Seatle. We had a blast but are grateful for the sunny skys in Arizona. 

It is too rainy there for me!

enjoy our pictures!

{The Goonies House-Rusty had to show me!!}

{The Column in Astoria, OR-you can climb up this!}

{On a Nature walk!}

{The Nature Walk}

{More...Nature!! BEAUTIFUL HUH!?}

{EnTeRtAiNg ourselves on our drive!}

{Pike's Market-Seatle, WA}

{This Fish place throws fish to each other well they pulled me up there and had me CATCH that fish!!}

{May 30, 2010- 6 months}

{IT RAINED FOR A WEEK!! AND THEN WE LEAVE....}

Pulled on my heartstrings...

I debated for a long time whether or not to tell people

I was pregnant

{even before I got pregnant}

I N.E.V.E.R wanted it to take away from

our First Son.

I know it hasn't.

I am grateful for that.

This ADORABLE little girl

pulled

on my heartstrings

she two

has an older brother that she doesn't get to be with here

and I watched and have watched her mother

find SO MUCH JOY

from her cute little face

and...

it got me thinking even harder

how I needed/wanted a cute little face

AGAIN.

it will not be easy.

I knew it wouldn't

I worry.

all

the

time.

But...I am doing ok at the moment!