This is probably the thing I miss most. I MISS holding....holding my son. The pain is so real at times. Sometimes it honestly feels good to just cry and cry. The pain reminds me of the LOVE I have for my son. Last night, we (my fried Laree and I) saved all Kaden's photos on my mom's computer to a USB hard drive. I want to get all my pictures on my USB ports so that I have a hard copy of everything.
Fortunately, for me I have a lot of treasured pictures. Being my first and my mom's first grandchild we were like the poperazee for Mr. Kaden. We have a photo of nearly everything and almost every day. I can't begin to express the gratitude I have for that. Now that Kaden is gone...it is ALL I have to preserve his memory here on earth. Yes, I have my mind, and the things that were his...but there is NOTHING that describes him better-than his PICTURES!
What a blessing we have. Imagine...the pioneers didn't have pictures of their children who died on the plains. But...last night I was TRIGGERED again. All the pain and heartached I have ever felt comes at times and hits you like
A TON OF BRICKS
I was sitting down after we loaded everything on the USB port. Looking at pictures...and I noticed something...the pictures my mom had of Kaden on Halloween (probably my FAV pictures of him) couldn't be found on her computer. Where they went I am not quite sure. I started to silently cry...and then really cry...and rusty came over so that of course made me ball...all in front of Laree and Trent and my family. That is not typical of me...I will cry to my Rusty and my mom and sometimes my dad but usually NEVER....in front of anyone else. I am not one to try to get pitty. I don't even like that I feel self pitty at times but I do...and that is part of this growing and grieving process.
So...we left. I went in my car. Rusty in his. We had two cars at my parents. I sobbed and sobbed my way home. The pain is like someone laid about a million bricks on your chest and you are trying to come up for air. It physically, mentally, and spiritually hurts to know I have to wait to see my little buddy again. I know what I know. I have a testimony. I DO! A strong one in fact....but it hurts. And sometimes it is just triggered.
My prayer was answered last night...my mom and Laree remembered we loaded them online to order for his funeral. There they were...first thing I did...prayer of gratitude then order a CD from Costco. Thank goodness for COSTCO!
My eyes are a bit puffy this morning.
I know what you mean about the holding. I don't know what it is like to miss it. But I do know what it is like to savor those moments, like you just want to hold on forever. It is weird how things can get triggered. One moment you are totally fine and the next balling. What a beautiful baby Kaden is. I love the picture.
ReplyDeleteI love/hate little reminders. Certain smells still trigger me and it's been 11 years... I hope I didn't make things worse. In my situation people would be nervous to talk to me about anything and I hated that. Talking about it and having people ask me questions was theraputic. Hopefully I didn't overstep my bounderies. I think you are adorable. Your laugh is contagious and you have that 'something' that people want to be around.
ReplyDeleteI am so sad I didn't see you. I did Ethan's run too! Im not gonna lie it was a little brutal with those hills!! But I loved it.
What an amazing girl you are! I'm glad you have this blog to get it all out. What a journey this life is, and {I could never be a pioneer!} I was crying myself for you, praying and hoping you found those Halloween pictures. Thank goodness!
ReplyDeleteI am so thankful that you were able to find those pictures again. My heart was just breaking for you as I was reading this post. You are one amazing gal. Please know what an awesome example you are!
ReplyDeleteLove Ya,
JoLynn
I found your blog. You're amazing Jacquie. You always keep the Lord at the center. That's the important part. The one that'll get you through. I'm glad I found you!!
ReplyDelete