My DrEaM...

So last night was the first night I vividly remember having a dream with Kaden in it.

It was strange.

Very strange.

My dream was after he had passed away and he was in our apartment for a

LONG time but just in the casket.

{that is strange anyway}

But...he kept going from alive to dead and it was really frustrating.

I was struggling in my mind...

"is he gone? or not?" "I can not barry my son alive!"

{SO STRANGE}

glad it was just a dream...

BUT...it was so good to feel him and see him and touch him and "hear him" in my

DrEaMs

{live in the moment...}

So I must admit I was inspired my friend's blog...go HERE!

I have been pondering this a bit since my last Sunday School lesson. Weird how it totally was not about that but how the spirit can speak to you...ya know what I mean!?

I will be making something in enrichment with the quote on it:

The PAST is behind

learn from it

The FUTURE is ahead

prepare for it

The PRESENT is now

live in it.

-Thomas S. Monson (I think)

I have been pondering a LOT lately...I often think to myself. How can I find JOY in today!?

There is also this talk I LOVE.

(where this quote is from)

Irrespective of age, we mourn for those loved and lost. Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandment: “Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die.” (D&C 42:45.)
Moreover, we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life.

The writer of Ecclesiastes said, “To every thing there is a season, and

a time to every purpose under the heaven:
“A time to be born, and a time to die.” (Eccl. 3:1–2; see also Alma 12:27.)

How can I, Me, Jacquie find Joy while I am in the season of Mourning...

I will always mourn Kaden's Death. But I will go through seasons...I do now.

I have good days where when I think of him...I have peace and joy.

I have moments/days where the mere thought of his presence not being with me makes me want to crumble.

IT is always, always, always with me.

Day in and Day out.

There is not a second he is not on my mind.

I miss him.

My heart longs for him, my mind longs for him, my arms long for him, everything about me LONGS to see, touch, hear, and feel him.

That is not wrong!

but...I am discovering the more I LIVE IN THE MOMENT.

{find joy in serving, reading scriptures, attending church, being with my family/friends, thinking of the joy Kaden brought me, etc...}

I am able to find that little bit of Joy that sustains me and keeps me going.

Notice my new side bar picture of Kaden:

{the day he smiled at me for the first time}

I took time that day to LIVE IN THE MOMENT.

{that is a moment that will be treasured FOREVER!}

honestly...

there are multiple times a day I frankly don't

want to live in this moment.

{I want to go back in the PAST when Kaden was here.}

{promise I am not suicidal!}

At this moment Kaden is no longer with us, we only have pictures, and we mourn his passing.

I would much rather have him here to love and squeeze!

His PHYSICAL presence.

but...that is just not so.

I don't have control. I can only have control of my attitude.

Many days...I just think to myself. Why do you ask How are You? do you even care? do you want to know? would you even understand?

now...I don't expect people to understand. But I struggle with this. How am I?! well, besides the fact that I constantly think about my son gone I am not sure how to answer.

This will always be a struggle. A part of me is not here.

I feel an urge and a desire to live a little more in the moment

find a little more joy in my days

{even when this moment is hard.}

(I promise I am having a good day, just pondering out loud is therapeutic)

A Testimony CONFIRMED....

I have always considered myself a somewhat generous person. I try to be generous with my time, tithes and offerings, with my money etc...

NOT UNTIL...

I was married to Rusty and recently have I realized the

testimony I had of being a generous person

has been CONFIRMED.

I by NO MEANS am saying I am this amazing generous person!

But as I try to be more generous with all my means...

I realize the blessings and spirit that can be brought in my life.

I am so grateful to have a husband with the amount of FAITH and CONFIDENCE

in our Heavenly Father. He truely amazes me!

I am grateful to Kaden to also help me to take a step back...and ponder on Gospel Principles more. His life and death...has helped me to do so. I am grateful for that.

Triggered.

This is probably the thing I miss most. I MISS holding....holding my son. The pain is so real at times. Sometimes it honestly feels good to just cry and cry. The pain reminds me of the LOVE I have for my son.

Last night, we (my fried Laree and I) saved all Kaden's photos on my mom's computer to a USB hard drive. I want to get all my pictures on my USB ports so that I have a hard copy of everything.

Fortunately, for me I have a lot of treasured pictures. Being my first and my mom's first grandchild we were like the poperazee for Mr. Kaden. We have a photo of nearly everything and almost every day. I can't begin to express the gratitude I have for that. Now that Kaden is gone...it is ALL I have to preserve his memory here on earth. Yes, I have my mind, and the things that were his...but there is NOTHING that describes him better-than his PICTURES!

What a blessing we have. Imagine...the pioneers didn't have pictures of their children who died on the plains. But...last night I was TRIGGERED again. All the pain and heartached I have ever felt comes at times and hits you like

A TON OF BRICKS

I was sitting down after we loaded everything on the USB port. Looking at pictures...and I noticed something...the pictures my mom had of Kaden on Halloween (probably my FAV pictures of him) couldn't be found on her computer. Where they went I am not quite sure. I started to silently cry...and then really cry...and rusty came over so that of course made me ball...all in front of Laree and Trent and my family. That is not typical of me...I will cry to my Rusty and my mom and sometimes my dad but usually NEVER....in front of anyone else. I am not one to try to get pitty. I don't even like that I feel self pitty at times but I do...and that is part of this growing and grieving process.

So...we left. I went in my car. Rusty in his. We had two cars at my parents. I sobbed and sobbed my way home. The pain is like someone laid about a million bricks on your chest and you are trying to come up for air. It physically, mentally, and spiritually hurts to know I have to wait to see my little buddy again. I know what I know. I have a testimony. I DO! A strong one in fact....but it hurts. And sometimes it is just triggered.

My prayer was answered last night...my mom and Laree remembered we loaded them online to order for his funeral. There they were...first thing I did...prayer of gratitude then order a CD from Costco. Thank goodness for COSTCO!

My eyes are a bit puffy this morning.

Ethan's Run

Kaden and Olivia Cousins in Heaven together. We thought of them both today as we supported another family who lost their son Ethan to Heart defects and Chronic Lung Disease.

Rusty and I wanted to support Ethan's Family and other families

as we know the pain all to well in our family.

Rusty's Sister Lari came with us too...and these are her two of her three children....

My Inspiration SHIRT....

Are you Running!? I am! Click to register.

I want to fit back in this shirt....this was when I was Single and Skinny!!

Just a random thought....

A couple PiCtuRe UpDaTeS from the last few weeks..

Yes we rolled out of bed and said "Lets go hiking!" It was fun we went on Superstion Lost Duchman Trail...8 MILES! boy we were tired afterwards

My BIG kid...racing sticks! :)

L.O.V.E

L.O.V.E

We LOVE and miss our sweet little boy!

My memory of Kaden this time was very vivid. I was home with him. Gave him a bath. He LOVED it as always...and I took him out of the bath real quick threw him in a towel and held his little bum with my right hand and answered the door to the Qwest man here to set up my internet! Yes for the first time...we just got internet. I can still remember the feeling of his tiny bum in the palm of my hand. Oh how I miss that!

Kaden Smiles

In honor of our son Kaden we would like to make more people aware of the many children who have cleft lips/palettes and are not able to afford the surgery.

There is already a foundation called SmileTrain.

This charity's moto: "Changing the world one smile at a time."

I will be starting a blog with more information soon.

Keep in tune! I added another blog to my profile-www.kadensmiles.blogspot.com

I will be updating and changing it. To raise money for smile train you can donate to them and just leave a comment saying you donated or you will soon be able to purchase handmade crafts from me (or those of you willing to donate them) to directly benefit this foundation.

Kaden's Cleft was found when I was 16 wks pregnant. It became a part of what I loved about him. Quite honestly I was going to miss that about him when he would have eventually had his surgery. He is perfect now. No surgery needed. We would like to help you and us donate to smile train in honor of him. Thank you for all your love and help!

A Broken Heart and Contrite Spirit

Rusty and I went out last night. I took him on a date, planned 5 dates infact, I gave him the choice, I drove (which I HATE to do!), and I had FUN!

Rusty and I at times when we are lying in bed at night have conversations/discussions if you will. Last night it was about Kaden...he consumes pretty much all our thoughts and our

NEW perspective. Rusty told me as I sat in our bed crying that I would one day be greated with him and reunited with him and the JOY that I would feel one day would make me answer to the question: would you do it all again the same? answer: yes...

I hesitate to say that I truely would say yes. But I really do think I would. Heavenly Father gave me the blessing of having my sweet son. His Life and his Death has changed me FOREVER. I hope that I can learn all that I need to from my sweet boy.

The Lord gave away with Sacrifices like they did in the scriptures...but now he asks of a more personal sacrifice.

A BrOkEn HeArt and a Contrite Spirit.

"But Blessed are the poor who are pure in heart, whose hearts are broken, AND whose spirits are contrite for they shall see the kingdom of God coming in power and great glory unto their deliverance; for the fatness of the earth sall be theirs."

D&C 56:18

what does that mean?!

I can tell you I have a Broken Heart. My Heart literally broke and shattered on November 30, 2009. Walking away from all my dreams and hopes and wants of having my sweet Kaden here with us was TOO much and continues to be

TOO much at times to bear ALONE...

That is why our Heavenly Father and our Savior knew and gives us the tools to allow our spirits to become Contrite...

How will I let this trial and this grieving process change me? will I allow myself to be Refined and Smoothed? Will I learn all that I need to? I pray that I do....I owe that to my Heavenly Father for he too gave His Only Son for ME (and all of you)

side note:

President Spencer W. Kimball: ” “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.”

“Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.” Doctrine & Covenants Section 58

Our Little Thumb Sucker....

Isn't this AdOrAblE!!!?? I loved when he sucked his thumb.

Even better when he was hungry he would suck on our bottom lip/nose

when we tried to give him KiSsEs!

8 months today. 2 months gone. 4 months corrected.

MiSsInG him....

A New Journey.

There has been three Journey's so far in my life with my little Kaden. Our Journey through the NICU where I knew that was possibly the hardest thing I had experienced at that point. I was terrified of loosing my son. Learning to be grateful for EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Journey number two: our Journey at home together. Where I got to LOVE on him all the time.

And now...my journey number three: my journey with grief and without him. It is hard. Very hard. but...I read something last night. I'll have to find it and post it when I get home from work today. Forget about your trials. Let Heavenly Father take your burdens. Lighten the burdens of others. This is how I will have to go through my Journey in this life.

I can't lie...I am excited for the Journey I hope for one day. One with ALL my family around me...and Kaden...yes...Kaden...raising my sweet Kaden will be one Journey I will look forward to in this journey now.

Our Weekend...

This weekend started off with Rusty's cousin Mark and Annie Skousen having their third child. He was born on Friday.

Weston Steven Skousen

weighing 5lbs 12 ounces

19 inches long

This reminded me of a day Kaden and I shared. My original Due Date: September 23, 2009.

Kaden Addington Fife

weighing 5lbs 13 ounces

18 inches long

As I held Weston in my arms I couldn't help but think of that day. He most probably would have been a lot bigger if he hadn't been born on June 5, 2009 but it is what it is. It was a pleasure being with this sweet boy. He so reminded me of Kaden. He is a very happy calm and content baby. I decided to give Weston a stuff animal of Kaden's. I have a hard time parting with any of his stuff. Wether he used it, wore it, or even laid on it...it was meant for him but I felt inclined to give Kaden's first "cousin" something from him.

I enjoyed the sweet spirit I felt around him. Sometimes, depending on my mood...it is very theraputic to hold babies...it hurts at times but it also fills my loving arms. My arms ACHE for my sweet little boy. They literally hurt to hold him. I never thought such a thing was possible. Thank you Mark and Annie for sharing your sweet bundle of JOY with me this weekend!

Then....on Friday night Rusty and I went over to Austin's house (Kaden's NICU buddy). Austin was born at 26 weeks on June 6, 2009. Heidi (Austin's mom) and I became good friends. We lived basically each other's life for a couple months. Austin is home. He still struggles a little like premies do but he is doing well. They blessed him on Friday.

We were there to support them and be excited for them.

I first must say how grateful I was to be included. Heidi was not afraid of hurting me...and for that I am grateful. She I am sure knew it wouldn't be the easiest baby blessing for me to attend. Austin brings so many memories of my sweet boy to mind.

We blessed Kaden the day before he passed away. My mom, mother in law, father in law, Rusty, and our Bishop were the only ones there. My Dad was in Mexico. I think this is why...I have a hard time at ANY baby blessing. Also, putting him in all white and laying him in a casket...seeing babies in all white is kind of difficult for me.

Thank you Heidi for including us and not being afraid to. Thank you for holding me while Austin was blessed. I didn't want to take away the attention from you and Austin. It was a very special day for you guys and I am so grateful you were able to experience it.

Saturday-Rusty and I and Gavin and Karly went hiking!

We went to Superstition and hiked 8 MILES! The Lost Dutchman trail...I took lots of pics...I'll post them later! We had a lot of fun and enjoyed the beautiful secenary. The creaks were full of rain water and I couldn't help but think of this song as we crossed them.

Like Stones in the River

Four years old at his front door he watches his daddy

drives away

He knows that something's wrong when he sees the tears on

Momma's face

His whole life will change

A teenage boy just down the road is suffering from choices

in his life

He's turning to the Lord, changing, getting stronger with

time

He never knew it was so hard

Like Stones in the river we are tossed and turned

When the current moves so strong

But stones in living water over time

Are shaped until the edges are gone

Polished and smooth that's what we will be

Each day of our lives is a gift from the Giver

To smooth all the edges

Like stones in the river

It's been three weeks since the last card of sympathy arrived

Her love of thirty years is gone, she wonders how she will

survive

on her own

Standing on the curb one winter night they watch their house burn to the ground

The family pictures, every keepsake, even her wedding

gown

All they own is gone

Chorus

The Trials of our lives can work for our good

If we let the Savior's love surround us

Refine us...like

Chorus