100 PoSts...

So...here I am 3 years later. I started my blog in November 2007. Believe it or not it took me this long to get to 100 posts. I am not the best blogger I guess. I didn't used to be as dedicated. I am grateful for the journaling this has helped me keep. The MeMoRiEs....Oh the sweet and wonderful memories that are recorded. I am so grateful for them...

My blog has served me many wonderful outlits...we could go into them all but I think you all know. I am so grateful to be able to express myself knowing it gives me an indirect way of saying I am having a crappy day or a good one. As I write I learn about myself and for that I am most grateful...I think the past 100 posts you have seen a women grow...at least I hope you have. :) Thanks for being faithful listeners....

{I would LoVe to have a comment from all my visitors even if it is just to state your name...I want to know who is reading. Have you learned anything from my rambling?!}

There is hope smiling brightly before us....

Kaden in the NICU caught smiling unconciously!
{I LOVE THIS BOY!}

10 months. 4 months gone.

we miss you...

In attempt to...

Express my feelings about some thoughts I had tonight while pondering in the car.

{I like to drive with no music sometimes and just process my thoughts}

So...in attempt here I go...

WARNING: it may make you cry.

So as I think about the day Kaden passed away. We had to make a final decission. He was not going to make it and we had to take him off support. HARDEST decision I have EVER made. EVER.

But...I was thinking tonight. Why was it hard? I knew where he was going was beautiful place. I knew he was suffering here. I knew he had served a purpose here. I knew he was part of our Eternal Family. I knew all that. But...It was still hard. It was hard because all the selfish parts of me didn't want to allow him to pass through the veil. I didn't want him to move on before me. It just isn't natural. It's not right. I selfishly wanted to keep him here.

But that is where my LOVE for him comes in. I love and loved him so much. It was the purest love a mother could have for her child. Mother's know of that love. and so it is that love that allowed me to make that hard decision. and I think to myself...

It is His {our Heavenly Father} Love that allowed him to allow us to

come to this earth with agency and suffering.

how selfless....He could have easily choosen to NOT allow us to have angency or pain. He could have easily choosen to make all of us return to him...out of selfishness but it is His LOVE that choose otherwise because he knew of something more.

He knew the bad. All of it. But...He knew the good. He knew that someday because of all our pain, suffering, good, and bad choices that we will {can} grow from it and SOMEDAY experience....

TRUE JOY even FULL JOY.

{think of the LOVE he MUST have for us...}

Growing Pains...

So as I sit here at my messy computer desk with my laptop I think to myself. I think alot. I know believe it or not it is true! :) But, that is what I do. It is March 24, 2009. 6 days short of being seperated from my sweet Kaden for 4 months. Almost as long as his life. Horrible thought I know. But truth. I have come to realize something.

Wait before that I Must mention something. A couple weeks ago I went to lunch. This was no ordinary lunch. I was invited by my friend Brittany. There were 6 ladies total and 3 children. It was mothers. Not just ordinary mothers. Angel Mothers. Yes, we are mothers of Angel children. We talked of our children and many other things. I was the "newest" Angel Mother. I was the only one in the group whose angel was my first.

Honestly, I enjoyed their company. Gained strength from them knowing if they can do this "HARD thing" than I can too. That's when I stopped. I drove from Crackers realizing my taking part in that lunch was more than just to get lunch. I realized why. It hurt deeply. It still does. BUT....

I was inspired to do something. I was inspired even more than just wanting to loose weight but to allow myself to heal in a way. They were all runners. I decided how can I do that?! but...I can. I have. and I DO.

If I miss a day of running/excercising not only am I disappointed but I also do not feel the contement I feel usually. I say contentment because I do feel better.

Today is when I realized something. It hurts to run. You are litterally pushing yourself to grow. Your muscles are breaking down to then be strengthed hence "grow." and it hurts. down to the very core. You feel it in your legs and stomach and calves...etc...and though no one sees the hurt it is there. There are times we may limp because of pain or talk about the pain but mostly it is an invisible hurt. It is so very real.

This type of growing is slow. We don't run 1 mile 1 day and become an olympian.

That is where my title comes in. Growing Pains. We must HURT to GROW. and this hurt is the worst hurt I have ever felt. so I ask myself will I grow the most from this hurt? I pray that I grow from this. I pray that I can grow closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior and that as I do I will grow closer to my son.

Sometimes, I wish to myself I could just become this amazing person over night but it just doesn't happen overnight!

Thoughtful.

Taken in Puerto Penasco, Mexico (Las Palmas Resort)

by a very thoughtful friend Jess.

{I have never meet her yet love her as a friend I have known for years.}

Her little boy, Stephen is an angel too and became an angel 3 days before our Kaden.

Thank you Jess.

FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!

Kaden

Can't wait 'till I have these at home.

To answer...or Not to answer...that is the question.

Is this not the most adorable sleeping boy!!??

I miss him/this A. L. O. T.

So...because many people ask these questions I thought I would answer them.
1. Is his crib still up?!

The answer is:

I have a hard time with this. Kaden never had his "own" room. If he did would I be more sad? Or could I always call it "Kaden's Room?" well...a part of me wants to take this down and get new furniture for our bedroom and a part of me just can't handle the thought. It stays up. I don't know for how much longer. But for now it is up. I love to look at it and think of his warm cozy little body in it...and there are other times I can't hardly stand to look at it.

Yes, it is representation that he is now gone...but it is also a representation that HE LIVED!! So...as many of you can or can't imagine it is one of those hard things to just put away.

Where is all of his stuff?

In the spare bedroom closet.

Also, known as Kaden's closet.

This is the closet I would come to after a bath with Kaden to pick out his cute outfit for the day. Oh how I miss picking an outfit. He has some cute clothes.

this was a hard day.

I put all his belongings besides his crib, swing, some pictures and momentos...

Once we are in a house I will find something else to do with it and for now this is where it will stay. He used all of it minus a few outfits, diapers, shoes, and his Christmas presents.

LAST...but not least.

NO I AM NOT PREGNANT...

nor do I know when I will be or when I want to be.
My pregnancy with Kaden was a rocky one and then to loose him

scares me to "love again."

BUT...

I will get there.

Just not today.

At risk of exposing myself. I always suck in...this is my belly reaaaaaaallly relaxed.

{have been working out...not really loosing weight...and am disappointed

especially when people ask "Are you pregnant!!?? :)"

DON'T JUDGE!! :)

My Sister's Keeper

Rusty and I rented and watched this movie over the weekend. By FAR one of my FAV tear jerker movies. Want a good cry...RENT it!! {besides some foul language it is clean} Can anyone tell me where I can get something to edit that on my tv!?? DRIVES ME BONKERS!!

Anyways...I won't give away the story line but I related to it ALOT!

I remember bending down while Kaden was in the incubator one day saying "Kaden...will you please fight for mommy...I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and I want to take you home."

Kaden fought long and hard for Me and Rusty.

Saturday Morning Adventure

Last Saturday we went on a long bike ride and discovered this park close by

{we always knew it was there...} had a cool water path that was

"Perfect for racing boats!!"-Rusty

SOO that is what we did this morning {Rusty built everyone a boat}

We rode our bikes down there and Raced them!!

My Neice Scarlet

My Nephew Joseph came too.

If you look closely...you may notice something! We never forget Kaden...where ever we go!

We had lots of FuN!!

{after the park we went to our FAV yogurt place Swirl IT!!}

Memories....

Sometimes I forgot all the wonderful memories I have of my son...

it all happened like a FLASH. SOOOO...

I wanted to open this to {ALL} my readers.

{Even if you didn't know Kaden personally}

[even if I don't know you...]

But please...Will you share your favorite(s) memory(ies)with me!!??

I want to remember EVERYTHING!! but I find my brain is not that strong!

{THANKS!!}

Easter for Kaden

Here is a Picture of the Basket I put at Kaden's Gravesight. It used to look really cute but I couldn't get a picture of the day I put it there. It was too dark outside. I had decided a Christmas tree was no longer going to cut it as a marker and wanted to get something nice. As you can see the grass is growing in nicely and hardly looks like a newly used spot (nice huh!?)

Easter this year will have a whole new perspective for us this year. A holiday that needs more celebration than candy and the Easterbunny.

Although, the Easterbunny came early this year to visit Kaden (Grandma Sharpy) She never fails to have some candy and she brought some to Kaden which filled Rusty's tummy with yummy goodness.

This Picture is of my dinner last night!! YUMMMM

What's for Dinner tonight!!??

Greek Style Stuffed Peppers

1 pound Turkey
1 (10-ounce) package frozen chopped spinach, thawed and squeezed dry
1 medium zucchini, coarsely grated (about 2 cups) ... See More
1 small onion, minced (about 1 cup)
1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
1/2 teaspoon salt
Freshly ground black pepper
3 red bell peppers, halved lengthwise, cores and ribs removed
2 (14 1/2-ounce) crushed tomatoes
1/3 cup crumbled feta cheese

Directions
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

In a large frying pan cook the turkey, spinach, zucchini, onion, oregano, salt and a few grinds of pepper.

Arrange the pepper halves cut side up in a 9 by 13-inch baking dish and fill each pepper half with the meat mixture. Pour the crushed tomatoes over the peppers and sprinkle with the feta cheese. Cover with foil and bake for 30 minutes. Uncover and bake until the meat mixture is completely cooked and the peppers are tender, about 25 minutes.

God's Love for us...

"Think of the purest, most all-consuming love you can imagine. Now multiply that love by an infinite amount—that is the measure of God’s love—for you." -Deiter F. Uchtdorf

Amazing TALK!! GO HERE

The boy who once filled...

His crib is now empty.
His car seat is now empty.
His swing is now empty.
His bathtub is now empty.
His mother and father’s arms are now empty.

His physical presence in our
home leaves it feeling empty.
His sweet smile now gone
leaves my heart feeling a bit empty.
Until we meet again,
my heart has a whole that will be left empty.

-Jacquie Fife

9 Months ago today...

{in the NICU the day we went HOME!}

Today Kaden would be 9 months old...but corrected around 5 months.

I like to remind myself that it wasn't meant to be for him to be here.

I have been blessed with some tender mercies...one I would like to share.

In Relief Society {meeting at church with only women}

last Sunday...a story was told.

Elder Gene R. Cook told a story of when his son was really GrUmPY...and SaD and how he decided to take him into the room and kneel in front of him and say a prayer just for him.

So the DAD prayed FOR the SON

Then a couple weeks later....Elder Cook was having a hard day.

The SON took the DAD in the same room.

and.....

The SON prayed FOR the DAD!

how sweet this is...

The son at the end of the day...said

"Dad how did your day go?"

Dad answered:

"very well thanks!"

The son said...I know dad! I ALREADY knew.

"I PRAYED FOR YOU 17 times today."

I have a sense of peace and I realized then...

Kaden PRAYS for his PARENTS!

{what a blessing}

thinking of him today...what's new!?

This MAN makes me LAUGH...HARD!

This man...who I call my husband/BIG kid...makes me laugh HARDER than anyone! It is his LOVE for life that continues to sustain me...and brings me sooo much JOY!!

Yes...to answer your questions these pictures are some of our fun memories we made at my mom and dad's this weekend. Rusty helped my dad build this Potatoe Gun...and they had LOTS of fun shooting potatoes down the street! The other of him on the couch..Laughing because he was pelting us with EXTRA LARGE marshmellows!

and...on a side note...this morning

(our second day of forming our new habit of going to the gym AT 5:30 AM!! {together} )

Rusty says "hunny do you want me to help you get up!? Ok...here I'll help you" (kindly sits me up and says here are your clothes! "Let's go!" THANK goodness for such a HAPPY MOTIVATOR!!

I LOVE this man! Faults, and ALL!