Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Growing Pains...

So as I sit here at my messy computer desk with my laptop I think to myself. I think alot. I know believe it or not it is true! :) But, that is what I do. It is March 24, 2009. 6 days short of being seperated from my sweet Kaden for 4 months. Almost as long as his life. Horrible thought I know. But truth. I have come to realize something.

Wait before that I Must mention something. A couple weeks ago I went to lunch. This was no ordinary lunch. I was invited by my friend Brittany. There were 6 ladies total and 3 children. It was mothers. Not just ordinary mothers. Angel Mothers. Yes, we are mothers of Angel children. We talked of our children and many other things. I was the "newest" Angel Mother. I was the only one in the group whose angel was my first.

Honestly, I enjoyed their company. Gained strength from them knowing if they can do this "HARD thing" than I can too. That's when I stopped. I drove from Crackers realizing my taking part in that lunch was more than just to get lunch. I realized why. It hurt deeply. It still does. BUT....

I was inspired to do something. I was inspired even more than just wanting to loose weight but to allow myself to heal in a way. They were all runners. I decided how can I do that?! but...I can. I have. and I DO.

If I miss a day of running/excercising not only am I disappointed but I also do not feel the contement I feel usually. I say contentment because I do feel better.

Today is when I realized something. It hurts to run. You are litterally pushing yourself to grow. Your muscles are breaking down to then be strengthed hence "grow." and it hurts. down to the very core. You feel it in your legs and stomach and calves...etc...and though no one sees the hurt it is there. There are times we may limp because of pain or talk about the pain but mostly it is an invisible hurt. It is so very real.

This type of growing is slow. We don't run 1 mile 1 day and become an olympian.

That is where my title comes in. Growing Pains. We must HURT to GROW. and this hurt is the worst hurt I have ever felt. so I ask myself will I grow the most from this hurt? I pray that I grow from this. I pray that I can grow closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior and that as I do I will grow closer to my son.

Sometimes, I wish to myself I could just become this amazing person over night but it just doesn't happen overnight!


  1. That is so neat that you got to meet up with other Angel Mommy's. I would love to do that sometime. It's nice to be around people who understand.

    I am sure you have grown so much already and haven't even realized how much you have actually grown.

  2. Jacquie, you already ARE an amazing person. I thought that when I held you when you were 5 minutes old. And you have become more amazing every year. I am so proud of the woman you are. Your deep love and faith inspire me to be better. Love,....Auntie M

  3. What a great analogy Jacquie. You sound more mature/stronger all the time. I hope that makes sense...

    P.S. You sure go to Crackers alot don't ya? :)Ha!

  4. You amaze me everyday. The pain does help us to grow and sometimes I want to stop growing....

  5. That is awesome about the Mother group! Whoever started that group was smart. I'm glad you have other women who understand how much you miss Kaden. :)

  6. You've been quite hope you are doing okay... I'm thinking of you this morning!
    Love ya Jacquie.

  7. Kami- I am not sure I know you. How did you find me!? Just out of curiousity. I am grateful to have friends and family in my life that know the similar pain and grief I have in my life. It is healing. never tops any of yours! :)

    Tara- Yes..I LOVE Crackers!! :) of course you make sense...thanks.

    Mom- Yes...but think of the JOY we will feel after all the pain...It makes it ALL worth it!!

    Jessica- I miss you!! when are we getting together!?

    Aunt Michele- Thanks! Imagine me doing a curtsey!

    Jess- I am doing ok...just having a brain fart the last little while!